A Practice Obituary, Because Apparently This Is Who I Am Now

Sometimes the only way to cope with household chaos is to imagine the ridiculous ways it might take me out. This particular scenario involves a squirrel, a printer, and one acorn. Naturally.

**Kymber Cosner Hawke, 56:

Holly Woman Dies in Unusual Incident Involving Squirrel and Printer**

HOLLY — Kymber Cosner Hawke, 56, of Holly, died Tuesday in what officials described as “an improbable household accident involving a squirrel, a printer, and one acorn.”

She is survived by her husband, her children, and her grandchildren. Lilly, age seven, has already volunteered to give the eulogy and plans to begin with, “Mimi was dramatic, but in a fun way,” which the family agrees is accurate. The grandchildren have already begun arguing over who gets to tell this story first.

Sequence of Events

The incident began when Mrs. Hawke attempted to carry far too many Liquid I.V. Dragon Fruit hydration packets at once. One slipped. She bent to catch it. This startled a squirrel on the porch, which immediately panicked and sprinted through the open sliding door like it had been waiting for this opportunity.

Once inside, the squirrel ricocheted off a chair leg, launched itself onto the printer, and somehow hit the exact button that woke it up. The machine roared to life and made the noise. The one that sounds like it’s warming up to commit a crime.

Mrs. Hawke attempted to regain her balance but tripped over the squirrel’s emotional support acorn, which investigators later confirmed was the cause of her fall. She landed directly in the open paper tray, at which point the printer attempted to auto‑align her, a process it had never once managed on paper, let alone a human being.

Witnesses stated she “fought the machine with determination,” and at one point slapped the printer so hard it briefly lost Wi‑Fi.

Cause of Death

The official cause of death is listed as:

“Fatal encounter with a squirrel‑activated printer during a hydration packet incident.”

Her family notes that while the event was tragic, she would have insisted it be told exactly like this.

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Featured Image by Kymber with ChatGPT, supervised by cats.
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