From the diary of Cesare Borgia Hawke
Dear diary, it is now day 3,652 of my captivity. I am still recovering from the headless mouse left on our porch by some other cat. If this keeps up, my warden may incarcerate another unsuspecting soul.
That would not be good. Not at all. It is bad enough they brought home that little tortie Josie-Pye. Her confinement began 730 days ago. She balked at first and I ignored her because she smelled like the Vet’s office. You would not believe what they did to me last time I was forced to undergo an examination.
It was horrid. But I showed them. In return for their nasty surprise I both threw up and had diarrhea in my little jail cell. I think they call it a cat carrier. Whatever it is called, perhaps they will think twice next time they put me in a moving vehicle.
Two days ago, they put out a new flavor of wet food. I like gravy on chicken. That is all. Instead, the warden put out a salmon Pâté. It made me ill… on their bed. I laughed so hard. That will show them.
Josie-Pye and I are on much better terms now. She likes to curl up with me in the window seat where the sun beams in to worship our glorious selves. And she smells good now, so that is better, too.
It has been 657 days since I’ve seen my little fishy toy. I do not know where it is. Perhaps they took it from me as a punishment of some sort. I plan to slash their tires in the morning with my murder mittens so they will have to walk to that place they call work. I do not know what work is, but it will serve them right to have to trudge all the way there.
As far as my little fishy goes, he is secretly my very best friend and until I get him back, they will find a new disaster every morning they wake. If I must remain in captivity, I can at least make their lives a living h— by sleeping on their heads at night, drinking out of their bedside water glasses, and coughing up hairballs into their slippers.
That is all for now. I’m afraid to write more lest they find this account of my life and take it away, too.
I am signing this with Katy’s parrot’s tail feather and the warden’s hair dye,
Meow.
A good memory Kymber. The imagined thinking of a cat is likely pretty close to reality. Have a good Saturday. Allan
Kymber, this is too funny! You know I’m a cat fan, and I can just imagine my own saying something like this, lol. Sure hope he finds his fish soon.
Thanks so much, Teri. 🤍🌺 We moved a couch that’s really low to the floor to vacuum under it, and there it was! He’s happy (I think) now. LOL
Almost peeing myself, I laughed so hard! Poor Casare, his life is a struggle indeed 😉 but when you’re a Borgia you have a reputation you must live up to. Please tell him he’s got a soulmate, or doppelganger, on the old continent. His name’s Gimli, and his special friend is Bastet, and even if he has not (yet) thrown up on the bed, just looking in his eyes I bet he would love to…
Hahahaha You made me LOL. 🤍🌺 I agree with what you said about the name Borgia. He has big shoes to fill. I told him about Gimli and he is glad to have a soul mate that really gets him. lol
OH—THIS IS HILARIOUS and the pictures are real treats! Who knew our cats were so evil—self-seeking I readily understand! Perhaps Cesare’s next project could be to write a song about himself-? Maybe not—imagine him trying to sing it! YEEEE-OWLLLL-! M.O.L.-!
I’m so glad you enjoyed this, Jonathan. I will try to flatter the dear boy into writing a song about himself and yeeee-owling it. We’ll see what happens. And I will let you know if the neighbors complain! LOL
To which I can only say, MEOW OUT LOUD-!
LOL 😹
(Big Smile)
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
LOL Right?
Cats are the best people.
I agree 100%, Jen!🤍🌺
It’s a very cute and funny story and your cats are beautiful. Cesare’s life is indeed very hard.
I’m glad you liked the story, Thomas. Cesare likes to go out onto the sun porch first thing every morning. This morning, I was a few minutes late and threw him off completely! When I came to the door, he was sitting there screaming at me as if I’d ruined his entire day. LOL
Ha ha that is funny. He is punctual, or at least want you to be punctual.
Yes, I guess he isn’t done training me yet. haha 😀
I laughed throughout the whole read. The only cat I ever had was an orange tabby, very similar look to yours, and he did many of the things that Cesare wrote & boasted about. Thanks for that.
Thank you, Gorilla. There’s just something special about those orange tabbies. LOL 😹
HaHAhahahaha!!! Priceless!!
LOLOLOL Thank you, Ana! 😸😹🐾
I can identify with the salmon pate, Cesare. Makes me throw up on the bed too. (especially if I wash it down with too much firewater.)
LOLOLOL 😸
😁
I think Cesare is what you would call a typically spoiled cat. He does have definite likes and dislikes and expresses them well. He is obviously very smart too as he keeps a record of his days in “captivity.” Be careful though. Everywhere, in the lineage of every cat, there is a hungry lion!
LOL Yes, he’s definitely spoiled, that one. I agree with you about the hungry lion! haha I bet that’s what he sees whenever he looks in the mirror.
As long as he doesn’t look at you and think…there’s dinner!
Hopefully, I’m safe so long as he can’t open his food cans on his own! lolol 😸😹🐾
This really does sound like a cat–and why I have a dog!
LOLOLOL I love my cats but I sure do miss having a dog, too. 😀
Thanks for sharing!
I have cats at home and can relate to these writings. I found myself chuckling at many times.
Blessings
Lisa
LOL Thank you. I’m glad you could relate. I actually think I’m the one incarcerated here.🤍🌺😸