Cesare Writes in His Diary

From the diary of Cesare Borgia Hawke

Dear diary, it is now day 3,652 of my captivity. I am still recovering from the headless mouse left on our porch by some other cat. If this keeps up, my warden may incarcerate another unsuspecting soul.

That would not be good. Not at all. It is bad enough they brought home that little tortie Josie-Pye. Her confinement began 730 days ago. She balked at first and I ignored her because she smelled like the Vet’s office. You would not believe what they did to me last time I was forced to undergo an examination.

It was horrid. But I showed them. In return for their nasty surprise I both threw up and had diarrhea in my little jail cell. I think they call it a cat carrier. Whatever it is called, perhaps they will think twice next time they put me in a moving vehicle.

Two days ago, they put out a new flavor of wet food. I like gravy on chicken. That is all. Instead, the warden put out a salmon Pâté. It made me ill… on their bed. I laughed so hard. That will show them.

Josie-Pye and I are on much better terms now. She likes to curl up with me in the window seat where the sun beams in to worship our glorious selves. And she smells good now, so that is better, too.

It has been 657 days since I’ve seen my little fishy toy. I do not know where it is. Perhaps they took it from me as a punishment of some sort. I plan to slash their tires in the morning with my murder mittens so they will have to walk to that place they call work. I do not know what work is, but it will serve them right to have to trudge all the way there.

As far as my little fishy goes, he is secretly my very best friend and until I get him back, they will find a new disaster every morning they wake. If I must remain in captivity, I can at least make their lives a living h— by sleeping on their heads at night, drinking out of their bedside water glasses, and coughing up hairballs into their slippers.

That is all for now. I’m afraid to write more lest they find this account of my life and take it away, too.

I am signing this with Katy’s parrot’s tail feather and the warden’s hair dye,

Meow.