Trigger Warning: implied sexual assault
Dear Diary, today we began dress rehearsals for Star of the Gods. Ella and I had been dancing together for months non-stop. I was now a principal dancer which made me really happy. But Ella, well, she was no Julie. With every dance step I took, I was reminded that it would be Ella, not Jules I would be lifting. Jules, despite what she thought of herself, was easy to lift. Even when we’d been rehearsing hard, she still smelled so good. What I missed the most, though, was how kind she was. Jules would never dream of acting the way Ella does.
In her own way, I guess, Ella tried to sympathize, yet she also wanted me to “get over” this. Need I mention I didn’t want to work with her in the first place? I think I’m probably just as self-absorbed as she is – I mean, I’m kind of obsessed about working out – but Ella takes her attitude to a whole new level. Take what happened last week as an example. We were in a full dress rehearsal, costumes and all, running through the production the way we would if we had an audience. Ella wanted all the limelight and she kept missing her marks in order to always be in front of me. I honestly don’t know why she hasn’t been fired.
“All right, Ella, Holden,” Myung said, “this has all come together quite nicely. Holden, that last turn out should be quicker. Ella, I need you to put more power into your Arabesques.”
Ella rolled her eyes but didn’t say anything. Which was most likely the best thing to do. My mom always told me, “Never miss an opportunity to shut up.”
“So, will I be dancing in this particular mask?”
Aiden Minton, the artistic director, had been watching us rehearse. Now he turned toward me and said, “That is the mask, yes. You are a god, seeking the brightest star in the universe – ”
” – That’s me,” Ella interrupted with a wide grin. “I’m the star.”
I had the awkward feeling she wasn’t talking about the synopsis of the ballet. She was letting me know where my place was. Everyone who ever participated in or watched our rehearsals knew she was a diva. It did aggravate me to some extent but on the other hand, I shrugged it off.
Who cares what she thinks anyway? I reminded myself. I was determined not to be baited, so instead worked on much of my choreography myself before we were supposed to meet on stage for a run through.
Myung had already turned the conversation back to my original question. “That’s the mask you’re supposed to wear, yes.”
“It’s just that I can’t see anything – my whole left side is the only thing open.”
“I wear a mask, too, and you don’t see me complaining,” Ella said.
Diary, I think my descendants might get the wrong idea here. That last thing is actually something Ella said, but when I read this back to myself, I realized it makes her sound super snarky. Believe it or not, there was no malice behind what she said. The more I got to know her, the more I realized this whole “speak now, think about it later” thing was a part of her personality.
“I’ll see what the costume department thinks about your mask. I agree, there is a safety issue here,” Aiden said. “Meanwhile, what I would really like is to see some of your numbers on the stage,” Aiden said.
Unfortunately, that turned out to be a bad mistake.
“Dude! What happened to you?” Chris asked as Ella and I finally got home.
” I broke both wrists. Do you like the casts? I had a choice between blue and pink.”
“No way! Start at the beginning.”
“There isn’t much to tell. I was trying to make my grand jete awesome and – ”
” – he fell off the stage!” Ella said, attempting to hide her laugh.
“It happens,” I mumbled, as my cheeks turned red.
“Is this going to lay you up? How are you going to dance?” Chris asked. I wasn’t pleased with having both arms in casts, but it was nice that Chris was concerned.
“I won’t be laid up at all. Sure, it smarts right now but the doctor gave me a script for a pain reliever. I already took one. Ella was kind enough to go with me to the emergency department and bring me home.”
Christopher’s eyes narrowed as he regarded me. I already knew he was upset because he was calling everyone “dude.”
I flashed my biggest ‘I’m fine‘ smile at him. “It’s really no big deal, okay? It was a stupid accident, that’s all. I’m supposed to go back to the orthopedic doctor in a couple days so they can check out the casts again. The doctor said I’ll need new casts once the swelling goes down. I can still dance, my legs aren’t broken. I just won’t be as expressive without the use of my wrists and hands, though.”
“How long will you have to be in casts?” Chris asked.
“They said six weeks. Which is good because that gives me a little time to get my strength back up before our production of Star of the Gods hits the stage.”
“Dude, I can’t believe you fell off the stage.”
This was getting more embarrassing by the minute. I was beginning to feel the effects of the pain pill I took, so all I wanted to do was fall asleep.
“I’ve gotta run,” Chris said. “I’m already late. But, hey, if there’s anything you need me to pick up for you, let me know.”
“Where’s Rosie?”
Chris shrugged. “She’s with your parents on some kind of trip. I think she’ll be gone for several days because she packed way too much to stay for only a couple nights.”
Chris still didn’t have a clue when it came to Rosetta. Instead of explaining to him that my sister would pack way more clothes than she needed to even if she was only planning on being away for one night, I merely nodded.
“You look wiped,” Chris said as if noticing for the first time.
“I’ll make sure he has something to eat and gets some rest,” Ella said.
Once Chris was satisfied, he left for work.
“Thanks for everything.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” she said.
Was it me or did she seem more chill than usual?
I took a step toward the staircase and nearly toppled over. Just as I was about to fall, Ella was there, her arms wrapped around me. It only took a moment before I regained my balance. Ella snaked her arms around me and I held her back. She was warm and smelled really good, like lilacs…
Hours must have gone by but I wasn’t sure about how many. I was so comfortable, I didn’t want to open my eyes. Gradually, I began to realize I wasn’t alone. I smiled a little, thinking about how great it was having Fletcher back in my arms. I missed him so much, last night’s dream seemed real. I lightly caressed his arms, up and then down, feeling how toned they now were. Perhaps he had finally started taking my advice to work out, because he had definitely slimmed down, with muscles that were so much sleeker. Breathing in his scent, I remembered how much I loved the cologne he always wore, Christian Dior Sauvage for Men. It was spicy, clean and crisp. Taking another big breath, I sighed in such contentment. Right at that moment, life was perfect, even with the smell of lilacs getting in the way and attempting to ruin the mood. I took another breath and the lilacs became stronger.
The more I focused on that aroma, the more I realized something was definitely wrong. I hugged Fletcher tighter to me and the lilacs were overwhelming. Fletcher sighed but the sound was too light, too feminine. Almost like the sound Ella sometimes made when I would place her back on the ground from a lift.
Suddenly, I was wide awake.
Ella!
I jumped up off the sofa in a panic. What was she doing here and why were we cuddling?
“What’s the problem?” she asked, frowning at me.
“What are you doing here? I thought you went home.”
A shadow of darkness seemed to fall over her. Folding her arms, she said, “I took care of you which, I might add, wasn’t an easy task. Besides, you came on to me.”
My head was swimming with confusion and my wrists were beginning to throb. “We were on the sofa together… what exactly did we do?”
Her lips curled into a snarky smile. “You don’t remember last night at all, do you?”
“Did we – were we – ” That was all I could manage to get out. I realized now that I’d been dreaming of Fletcher and taking that pain pill had confused my mind.
Ella laughed but it was the kind of sound someone gives to you when they have a secret that they’re not going to share with you.
“You seriously don’t remember? I’m insulted.”
Good gravy (Grandma Blue always said that and it seemed to fit here). What had I done? My stomach began to turn as the complete revelation of what Ella was implying hit me full force.
“Tell me what we did!” I demanded. “I don’t care if you feel insulted. I need answers!”
“That pill really messed up your head. It’s kind of funny.”
Funny? For real? “Ella, it’s creepy that you knew I had taken a strong pain pill – you took advantage of me!”
“Oh get over it. Honestly, you treat me like I’m the worst thing that could ever have happened to you.”
That stupid trembling that happens when I’m pissed or upset began in my knees and worked it’s way up to my nauseated stomach. I could feel the red heat rising in my cheeks. “I need you to leave.” She didn’t budge but just kept smirking at me. “Now!”
After Ella left, I frantically took a shower, rubbing my skin until it was red. I couldn’t put words to the way I was feeling which made it all even worse. As the steaming hot water hit my face, I let out a groan. Ella had taken advantage of me and I felt so violated. Why would she do that to me when I was clearly smashed at the time?
Is this something you report to the police? Was I the only guy this happened to? My head was swimming as it was assaulted with these thoughts. I went outside and sat on the bench below my favorite tree. If it was comfort I was seeking, I didn’t find it there.
Ella was my dance partner. Every day, I would have to touch her, lift her, dance with her. How would I manage that?
For a moment, I wished I could go back in time to when Fletcher and I were happy and this thing with Ella hadn’t happened.
Author Note: You may have noticed that this chapter is on the short side of what I normally write. I’m having some eyesight problems and ended up in the emergency room. I’m fine now, just trying to adjust to these changes and figure out some new glasses. 🙂
Thank you so much, Bee, for the lovely dance poses! You are the best!
This is the original quote used in this chapter: “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers
Please note that in the footer (lower right corner) of my site, I’ve put up the hotline for domestic abuse since I’ve been touching on this subject recently. If you or someone you know is being abused, please call that number.
One last thing… Because of the problems I’ve had with my eyesight this past week, I haven’t been able to read any blogs. I might also say here that I am a blogaholic, so this has been rather difficult for me. But, luckily, I’m not a pessimist, so I’m still smiling. LOL I will catch up as soon as I can. <3
Thank you for reading and for your support,
Eewww! Poor Holden! Go to the police, man! What she did is disgusting and definitely needs to be reported. Rape can and does happen to a male, and it’s a crime no matter what. Holden also needs a damn rest, too! He broke both wrists after all, and if he’s not careful, he could sustain permanent damage.
Ouch on the eyesight! I’m glad it’s better and that you’re back at ‘em. Speaking from someone who does have a visual (and permanent) visual impairment, I totally get where you are coming from. Thank God yours is okay and no damage was done. ❤️
Yes! He should go to the police. You’re right in everything you say here.
Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. ❤️
I hope your eysight gets better soon! I’ve had problems with my left eye for about two years, now, slowly recovering from suddenly seeing like through plastic. I won’t bore you with détails, but my years in Africa didn’t only bring good memories!
This chapter was shorter, but just as filled with action. Poor Holden, it was an interesting perspective, letting the male be abused… How will he manage to dance with Ella? Luckily he has six weeks to prepare, even if it takes a life to come to terms with abuse.
Thank you so much. 🙂 Poor Holden indeed. He has no idea what to do as he didn’t even realize it could happen to a guy. That’s a good question about dancing with Ella. We’ll soon see.
I feel so bad for Holden. Male rape (if she did sleep with him) is never taken as seriously as it should be by society. It might be hard for him to come to terms with this, especially if he has to keep working with her.
Thank you 🙂 You are so right with everything you just said. I think this happening to a male doesn’t get much attention. Hopefully, Holden will seek some help.
Screw you, Ella. I am seriously disgusted at her right now. I really really hope that she didn’t actually take advantage of him, and she is simply lying. Coupling that with her horrible stuck up attitude — gah, I really dislike her. Is she manipulating Aiden or something, to turn a blind eye? I can’t quite believe that she is allowed to miss her marks.
I am totally unsurprised at Holden continuing to dance with two broken wrists. It sounds weird to non dancers, doesn’t it? I did a less intense but similar thing when my knee messed up in a rehearsal, missing the performance is just unthinkable 😛
I hope your eyes are getting better <3
You’re so right about Holden continuing to dance even with broken bones. lol I did read a story about a ballet dancer who actually broke his foot during a performance, and he finished the entire production on that broken foot.
Ella is a piece of work, that’s for sure. Whether she took advantage of him or not, it is terrible either way. That’s a very interesting idea regarding whether Aiden is being manipulated by her. 😀
Thank you about my eyes. I appreciate the encouragement.
Get well soon darling.
I don’t think Holden is a rapist at all or take advantage to the weakness of women even under medication. Ella should stop to accuse him for an act she seems to be the sole author of.
Thank you so much. <3 I agree with you, for sure. In the near future, you’ll find out exactly what happened with Ella. 🙂
I knew this girl was problematic. He should report her. If she is in contact with so many peple, he might not be the only one she’s done this with.
Thank you, Violincat. 🙂 You called it! And I agree that this should be reported. That’s a really good point, too, about Holden not being the first victim she’s had.. We’ll find out soon-ish. 🙂
I’m glad you are okay! 💖
So wow, I was starting to think maybe Ella was alright but now I’m not so sure. I can’t help but wonder what really happened. Surely nothing sexual happened, but you never know.. Maybe her pride was hurt by Holden’s reaction when he woke up with her in his arms and that’s why she acted the way she did. I’m glad his injuries won’t stop him from dancing, but I don’t know how he’s going to pull it off! 😲
Thank you so much! <3 You’re so right about Ella and Holden. Let’s hope nothing happened. Holden will find out soon-ish. lol
I like what you said about the reasons behind what Ella did. It does make sense.
I wonder if Holden has had any contact with Fletcher or Julie in the time that’s passed. And he still misses Fletcher, hmmm.
Ella is so disgusting, and she probably thinks it’s “no big deal” because men want sex all the time, right? It’s such a myth that society built up, and even Holden didn’t know that this happens to men, too. Ella even stayed over afterwards as if she was supposed to be there.
I really hope he does not continue to work with her because it will just make him suffer.
I could have sworn I replied to this. :O I’m so sorry.
Yes, you’re right, Holden does still miss Fletcher. Ella is about as disgusting as she can be, it’s true. You’re right also about how society thinks about this; that it only happens to women. Ella’s a mess, for sure.
I think as far as working with her goes, he might try to endure it at first, but it ain’t going to last long.
I’m glad your trip to the emergency room wasnt anything serious!
NO! ELLA WTF! And to think I was beginning to like her! Urgh, I feel so bad for Holden. Maybe her innsinuations weren’t true? She seems like a drama queen, so maybe he played along with what he thought and nothing serious really happened?
That still makes her a bad person and terrible partner, that’s for sure.
Thank you so much <3 You said it best with NO ELLA WTF!! lol Ella is very much a diva/drama queen. And she’s cruel, as you can see. There is always a chance she is just messing with him. You’re right that no matter if it happened or not, it’s still an evil thing to so.
I can’t decide what I think! At first I thought that maybe she actually did do it, but now I’m thinking she was toying with him. But then again, how would they end up cuddling if nothing happened? Maybe a little something happened but not what Holden thinks? EITHER WAY, Ella is trash!
This thing with Holden losing his balance…it’s happening more often! I hope it’s nothing serious, but it probably is… snarl
Thank you, Jes2G! 🙂 You have really reasoned this out and I like seeing your thought process. I totally agree with your assessment of Ella. LOL
Oh, so you have noticed that,, eh? 😀 😀 LOL Now you’re snarling at me. haha Whatever it is, you know I can’t torture him too long, so it will be resolved.
Mmm hmm 😛
😀 😛
That was so horrible from Ella’s part! Wow, that girl really is horrible..!
And yes Holden, it can happen to guys too! I hope he’ll be alright and that he’ll deal with it 😦 Maybe reach out to Julie (who I hope is alright too)?
I’m so sorry to hear about your eyesight issues! I hope you’ll be well soon <3
Thank you so much. 🙂 Ella is a cruel person, it’s true.
Julie will be in the next chapter, but I doubt she will be in a position to even listen to Holden if he tries to tell her. It’s not her fault, it’s more that she has her own issues to deal with. Don’t worry, though, we’ll see Holden through this nightmare.
Thank you for your well-wishes. It means a lot to me. I only hope I’m typing right. LOL
I hope you are better soon. That must be very unnerving. Anything to do with eyesight would be. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
This was a great chapter. I feel so bad for Holden if indeed Ella did what he thinks. I hope not, because how would he know for sure. I hope he reaches out to someone. It’s definitely going to make it hard to dance.
I was worried about the pain killers but not about Ella! Hah. I thought we may be going down a road of addiction, but I think he’s gonna stay away from them if he can. But I can see soooo many ways this could go. So many scenarios with Julie and Ella.
Thank you, Audrey. 🙂 Your encouragement means a lot. It’s unnerving and irritating at the same time. lol
I’m so glad you liked the chapter. Holden will find out soon-ish what exactly happened. Either way, that Ella is a piece of work. I can’t imagine having to work with someone who has done something like to you. Holden is in a real load of problems at the moment.
I could see how this could turn into a story of addiction. Have no fear, I’m not planning on going down that road with Holden. I think he has enough problems right now without that, too.
There are so many scenerios as to how this could go. Let’s hope I’ve picked a good one. LOL
Oh my goodness, I can’t believe Ella would mess with him like that. What’s wrong with her? Poor Holden is obviously going through a rough time. Hope your eyesight gets better soon!
For some reason my reply to you is not here. 🙁 I’m very sorry.
Anyway, Ella is ruthless and actually shares some traits with Rosetta, however, Rosetta isn’t evil.
Thank you regarding my eyesight. <3 I really appreciate your kind words.
Here’s to hoping your eyesight gets better soon! As for this chapter, I am speechless. I don’t know what to think about Ella. I figured she had a thing for Holden, but I never thought she’d do THAT. As they say, when it rains, it pours. Boy is it pouring hard on Holden lately!
PS: I forgot that I wanted to show you something. I discovered a celebrity that looks so much like Holden! https://media.gettyimages.com/photos/actor-austin-butler-is-photographed-for-just-jared-on-december-9-2015-picture-id501660068
Oh. My. Goodness!! It is Holden!! I am so wowed by this comparison, I can barely type. LOL
Thank you, Rosie 🙂 I hope so, too. 🙂
It is definitely pouring on Holden at the moment. Whether it happened or not, in my mind, it’s cruel either way and shows exactly what she’s all about. Which ain’t good. lol
Wow, what a chapter! I tend to agree with Bee that Ella didn’t actually do anything, but loves to see him squirm, like the truly evil person she (probably) is. But poor Holden, his life has certainly taken some heavy blows lately. I’m surprised he’s not more concerned with his broken wrists. I think he is counting on rehabbing them more quickly than he should. I’m glad to hear your eye problems will be short-lived, I know you are suffering blog withdrawal, but hang in there!! =D Hugs! ♥
Thank you, Marj 🙂 And thank you for the coffee, too. You are so kind.
You just might be right (and Bee, too) on whether this happened or not. If it didn’t happen and she’s leading Holden to believe it did… well, she is cruel either way.
I think you’re right about Holden’s wrists. I think he’s trying to be a trooper even though he must be in a lot of pain at the moment. I bet it’s a long time, though, before he touches another pain pill.
I’m definitely going through blog withdrawal! I love reading blogs so much. Hopefully, all will be well soon. 🙂 Sending you lots of hugs back.
UGH Ella .. really! AND that mask ..POOR Holden .. he will not be searching much of the universe with one eye! I hope you feel better soon Kymber <3
Thank you, Lisa. 🙂 My eyes are really messing with me. I waited to answer comments because I was hoping some of this would clear up. But it hasn’t; I’m just as blurry as before. Ah well, I will troop on. 😀
OHH dear 🙁 do the drs have any ideas??
They’ve ruled out a bunch of stuff that I’m glad I don’t have. lol So far, I’ve seen the ER doc and had a CT scan. I might need an MRI if this doesn’t return to normal. Then, I’ve also seen two other optometrists. We’re narrowing it down to possibly a reaction to a med I talk.
Poor Holden. 🙁 I didn’t like Ella before this chapter, but now I see that she is truly evil. Men can be the victim of rape as well, and most of the time we forget about that.
I hope you feel better. I too am not a pessimist, so I know that you won’t be down for long. 🙂
Thank you so much 🙂 Poor Holden indeed. Ella is a real piece of work, it’s true. You’re right, of course, about everything you mentioned in your comment about men and rape.
Thank you again for your kind words. I’m in good spirits, just hoping this blurriness goes away. <3
Best wishes and good thoughts for your eyes! Would a Text-to-Speech reader be a useful interim tool? I’m really glad you touched on this issue of rape with a male as the victim . It happens and it’s often made more difficult as culturally , it’s not generally accepted as something that could happen to a male. I liked the condensed feel of this chapter . It made it more powerful .
Thank you, CT 🙂 I really appreciate you for
thinking of my eyes. I just hope no one is too annoyed if I hit the wrong keys. lol I’m all blurry.
That’s a terrific idea about the text to speech reader. I have a friend who uses one, so I will definitely check into that.
I’m glad for your encouragement about touching on this topic. I was wondering how a guy would deal with this since we don’t hear about it very often. You’re so right about how it is generally not accepted.
Your encouragement and kind words mean a lot to me.
I’ve had a few students who’ve experienced that, and they’ve said the hardest part has been to be believed and taken seriously . Some women got really offended and hostile towards them .
It’s so difficult, I know. In my case, I had never called the police even though sometimes I probably should have. So, there was no paper trail to prove any of it had happened all those years. The other thing in my case was I didn’t know I was being abused. It sounds stupid because I am an educated woman, but slowly, I stopped pushing the things he did out of my mind and faced them. In that domestic violence wheel, I could find something he’d done in every single category.
I spent two years in a domestic violence group to work through everything. It was difficult, but it was also a huge relief when it dawned on me that I would never have to try to please that man again.
Now, I’m happily married to my best friend and things are good. I mean it when I say he is slow to anger and quick to love. <3 <3
“I think I’m probably just as self-absorbed as she is..”
I love how Holden says this, but really means something totally different than the average person would. Because he is so humble, his “obsession” for his body being just right, seems self absorbed when it truly isn’t. not to the rest of the social world.
Oh that dream! I was surprised to read that months had already gone by in the beginning there. So months have gone by by his mind is seeking something…”familiar”, or is it love? His love for Fletcher? Or anyone and Fletcher was placed in the role for lack of the known face? If that makes sense. Someone who was self absorbed, would dream of himself and no one else. Anyway back to the dream. What Ella did, with holding that information was the cruelest of the lows. He was obviously panicked and to play games with his mind, is a truly evil person! I’m thinking nothing happened by Holden passing out, or else she wouldn’t be this way. Her pride has definitely been wounded and this is her lashing out!
Thank you for the content warning. In my case, a little different with the gender reversal, but still good to prepare for what you are reading in any event.
Thank you, Bee. I like what you said about Holden saying he is self-absorbed. He really is obsessed about his body, that’s true, too.
Yes, that dream. LOL You are such a good editor and I thank you! 😀 I’m thinking since Holden doesn’t have any spare time, he probably writes in his diary sporadically.
Oh, yes, that makes perfect sense, I’m glad you brought that up!
The worst part about Ella is that she will always feel as if she never did anything wrong. She is cruel, it’s true.
I like what you said about her motivation to play games with peoples’ heads.
You are welcome regarding the trigger warning. This subject is tough as it is let alone not being prepared to read something like this without a warning.
So Ella literally raped him? I can’t believe this happened. My thoughts are with Holden. It’s so horrible. She is a horrible person and what she did is truly disgusting.
I thought it’s interesting that Chris always says “dude” when he’s tense. That’s a fun fact.
Is Rosetta out on some Inheritance mission? Sounds somewhat like it.
What’s up with Julie? Maybe he should talk to her. It could help. We still don’t know her full story and God knows what her own husband might have done to her while she was conscious.
Thank you, Jowita. 🙂 We’ll find out eventually what happened and if she did rape him or not. Whether it happened or not, Holden believes it happened.
Yeah, “dude!” lol When I was writing him, I could hear him saying that more and more. LOL
Yes, Rosetta is meeting up with her parents and will join them in the first The Inheritance chapter. I’m really excited about that. Let’s hope things are not as blurry then. lol
Julie is in the next chapter so, we will learn more about what’s been going on with her and how she and Paisley are doing.
Ew, Ella, you are the worst 🙁 Poor Holden, having to work with that sleazy idiot… I hope he finds the courage to tell someone so he doesn’t have to deal with that alone. He also seriously needs to take a freaking rest already. He broke both his wrists and he’s going to dance, whaaat!
I’m so sorry to hear about your eye problems as well! I feel so sorry for you not being able to read blogs. I wish you a swift recovery, friend <3
This was great as always, though I want to smack Ella. Hard!
Thank you. 🙂 Ella is the worst, it’s true. everything you said about Holden is so true. I’m afraid to say too much because… spoilers. lol
Thank you for your kind words about my eyes. I’m basically typing right now, hoping my fingers are hitting the right keys. I can see, but it’s terribly blurry. It’s the reason I’m late answering comments.
I’m so glad you liked the chapter. I wasn’t sure how it would go over. <3