Is This All I Am?

A woman’s struggle against her inner dialogue and failing marriage. A short story.

149693919728408There was a time when life made no sense. She didn’t know how to proceed or what to do. Doubt clouded her mind and covered her like a thick blanket on a cold winter’s day, filling her with dread.

Is this all I am? she often asked herself.

She was married, had young children and had been told her rewards were eternal; not to seek them here. Yet she wanted to know if there was more.Β Why couldn’t she be content with what she had? Was it because his eyes were always wandering? What would she do if, someday, she found herself alone?

Is this all I am?

Or is there something more? She could stay in her warm cocoon, head down, relying on her husband, taking care of the children. Ignoring infidelities, pretending her future was secure. But could she do this forever? How would she cope on her own with young children? What would she do?

Is this all I am?

Watching her innocent children play, oblivious as their father continually strayed, changed her mind and her life. The little ones were defenseless and relied on her completely. But she would rely on no one, she would be self-sufficient. Yet what did that mean? How did one accomplish that? Doubt gripped her once again, making certain she knew her place.

But… is this all I am?

Slowly, she dared to do more. The building in front of her was daunting but she would spend years there. The familiar doubt tried to crowd her mind. Was she smart enough? Brave enough? This time, she firmly shook herself free and told her fear it was no longer allowed to linger there. The words in her head began to change meaning.

I am more than this!

Through years of studying in the imposing building and dragging her children to class with her when she had to, she began to change the dialogue she allowed in her head even more. Determination replaced insecurity, her failures were her own. So were her wins.

I am going to do this!

beautiful-nurse-vectorThe girl who was thought dumb, the one who berated herself and let others do the same, changed. She graduated with honors and her children were proud. Through her, they learned courage, dedication and perseverance.

I did this and I can do more!

She fulfilled her life’s dream of becoming a registered nurse. She found great joy in caring for others and her confidence began to soar even higher. And one day, as she had predicted, she found herself alone with children to provide for. But she was able to handle this because she had worked hard. But more importantly, she had changed the thinking in her head.

 

 

  1. So proud of your character (or was it truly you?). What an inspiring story.

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    1. I’ll never tell. hahaha πŸ˜› Thank you so much, Jowita. ❀

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  2. We are always more capable than we give ourselves credit for. Good for her, that she retrained her thinking and rose above the doubt!

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    1. Thank you so much. I totally agree with what you say about our capabilities. πŸ™‚

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  3. This is a great inspiring article. I am pretty much pleased with your good work. You put really very helpful information. Keep it up. Keep blogging. πŸ™‚

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    1. Thank you so much, Priscilla. πŸ™‚ You’re very kind.

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      1. My Pleasure RosemaryMarie

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  4. This is a very inspiring story and reminder to stay strong, just what I needed today ❀

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    1. Thank you so much, Raymond. πŸ™‚ I’m glad you found my little story inspiring. ❀

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  5. Yay to my fellow nurse!!

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    1. Woot! Woot! You go, girl! πŸ˜€ ❀

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  6. Marjorie F Watts June 14, 2017 at 11:30 pm

    I really relate to this…been there, done that! Now my daughter is in the same position, so here I go again, only from the outside looking in! I have always tried to teach my kids to realize their own worth, and not depend on anyone else to influence their self-image in a negative way. That is not always easy to do, but I will do all I can to help her. Thank you for this, almost poetic, presentation and affirmation. Hugs! =)

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    1. Thank you, Marj. My parents were the same way with me. They had all girls and wanted us all to be prepared so that we’d have something to fall back on. You never know when life is going to change. Sending you hugs ❀ ❀

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  7. My daughter will start her last year to become an RN. She is 50! She married at 17. Her husband was considerably older and put her in a cocoon. Mostly they fought. She didn’t start her family until she was 29, so still has young ones at home. One day she realized what had happened and how unfulfilled and helpless she was. She wanted out but realized she had no skills, no experience. They are still together and surprisingly enough, he has been very supportive now. In her second year they split for awhile. Whether this brings them together, no one really knows.

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    1. Thank you, Jolie. πŸ™‚ I think it’s wonderful that your daughter is pursuing nursing now! I’m so glad her husband has been supportive of her and I wish her the very best!

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  8. What a wonderful moving story that I believe most of us can completely relate to, even if the circumstances are a bit different. I went to school late too, after children arrived and started the next part of my life later as well. So I started as a stay at home mom and I’ve ended as a stay at home mom and I love it. But I loved my teaching life as well. I wonder what will come next for me and you and anyone else that reads this story. Life is always changing in the most wonderful ways. Bad turns to good and sometimes good turns to bad, however it is all a journey in the end of which we learn and grow from in so many different forms.

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    1. Thank you, Bee! πŸ™‚ I’m so glad you enjoyed my story and thought it was moving. I see we’re much alike in life. I totally agree with you about how life is a journey. Well said!

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  9. So many of us discover later in life that we defined ourself incorrectly in our youth … lovely

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    1. Thank you so much, Lisa ❀

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      1. I need to connect with you guys because I’m coming home to the mitten in August and I would love to get together with you all (mi simmers)

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        1. Oh wow! That’s awesome! Lil lives about 2 1/2 hours from me. πŸ™‚

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          1. I will be staying in Grandhaven the third week of August. I arrive and stay up in Ludington earlier. I would love to connect with you guys.

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            1. Ludington is so beautiful; my parents just came home from a brief trip there today. I’m on the other side of the state, north of Detroit, but Lil isn’t too far from where you’ll be. πŸ˜€ It would be great to see you.

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              1. I have spoken briefly with Lil and she was interested too. I also just met a simmer online from Portland Michigan just thought it might be fun to put a feeler out it just do a dinner meet up somewhere. Lil did mention that it would need to be a dinner time meet up because you guys needed help with transport because of disabilities.

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                1. Yes, that’s right. πŸ™‚ I think it would be fun, for sure!

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                2. I will get you the dates that we can look at later and we can coordinate something perhaps

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                3. That sounds awesome! πŸ˜€

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  10. I like to think her children still had a mother’s touch throughout all those difficult days of study and work. Example is the best way to teach them, but they still need nurturing and love along the way.

    It was good to read that she was not so discouraged that she played the victim’s part but rose above that to take charge.

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    1. Thank you, Beth. That’s a very good point about the children and I agree with you completely.

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  11. I love this! I teach at a community college, and this summer, about three-quarters of my students are nursing students, and most of them have little kids. I am inspired, every time, by their growing confidence, resilience, and the futures they can already see for themselves.

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    1. Thank you so much, Cathy. πŸ™‚ Nursing school is so hard, but worth it in the end. I wish all of your nursing students (and the rest, too!) luck! πŸ™‚

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  12. You kept me glued to my phone as I was reading and cooking at the same time. I love it when people push themselves and not settle for anything. There is more to us than we can imagine. We only need to change our Perception and mindset and the sky will be nothing but our starting point. Well tailored and inspiring. Keep writing your heart out and thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much! πŸ™‚ I appreciate your kind words and feel that you are so right when it comes to our perception and mindset.

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      1. The pleasure is all mine. It is a great post.

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