Content Warning: Content may be disturbing to some. Depictions of violence, abuse, and rape as told from Karen’s point of view during a meeting of the domestic violence support group.
One upon a time, I was a different person. If you’d known me then, you would have noted how carefree and confident I behaved. Hardships were a part of life that I was determined to rise above and nothing was going to get me down. I had bright dreams of the future with goals in mind.
Then, I met Nightmare. That’s what I call him now, but at the time, I had no inkling of the person he was. His true self. While we dated, you could say there were red flags I should have noticed. But they all whizzed right by me as if they hadn’t existed at all.
I refused to “make a big deal” of little signs and clues, insisting he was protective and his actions were born of love.
After we married, little by little, his mask slipped until it was completely gone. In the process, he turned me into what he wanted me to be, but hated the result.
By the time he played his final card, there was nothing I could do but leave.
When I left Nightmare, I went to a women’s shelter. It was there I was connected with a counselor. Not long after I began my sessions, she suggested I join a domestic violence support group. At first, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want the other women to know how stupid I was for getting myself into the situation I was in. But my counselor wouldn’t let up until I went.
“The average woman leaves her abuser seven times before finally leaving for good,” the group leader was saying when I came in.
“Hello,” she said, and I could have died for being singled out. “My name is Barbara. Please, sit where you like.”
With a reddened face, I slid into the nearest chair. There were two tables pushed together and the room smelled like coffee. It reminded me of my attorney’s office, a place I felt safe these days, so I could feel a bit of my tension ebbing away.
Barbara asked the women around the tables to introduce themselves. It would be more than a month of meetings before I could remember their names. But I would never forget the horrors they recounted while in our meetings.
After the introductions, it was my turn. “My name is Karen and my counselor Ronnie said I should join your group.”
Barbara smiled and said, “Ronnie and I are friends and she was right to send you in our direction. Sometimes, she leads this group with me. Why don’t you tell us something about yourself?”
With her question, my mind went blank. This wasn’t a topic I was accustomed to speaking about. Where would I even begin?
“Are you married?” one of the other women asked.
“I’m divorcing. It’s not final yet. Aren’t you all getting divorces?”
Come to find out, some of the women were already divorced and trying to get the courage to begin again, while others hadn’t even decided if they wanted a divorce yet. The one thing we all had in common was that all our partners had been nightmares.
Once the initial ice was broken, and I began talking, it was hard to believe how easy it was to let it all out. As if a dam had broken, my story came bursting forward like a rushing river that couldn’t be stopped.
“We met when he was in college. I was a waitress at a diner he used to frequent. He was kind of a small guy, about my height, thin, and not especially good looking with dark eyes hidden behind thick glasses. But he was sweet, opening doors for me, meeting my roommate. He had manners and was kind. It didn’t take long for me to fall in love with him. But while we dated, there were things he did that should have given me pause.”
“Like what?” one of the ladies asked.
“He didn’t look like the type to get angry or out of control. But when his temper hit, he was so strong. Once we were walking to his car and there was someone sitting on a step we both knew. He started an argument with him and even spit on him. I was repelled by that and walked away. I don’t know where I planned on going, but he caught up with me and told me he was sorry. I reasoned that anyone could have a lack of judgment, so I let it go.
“Another time, a guy we knew called me a bad name. I don’t remember why and I didn’t even tell him it happened. Later, I found out someone overheard, told him, and he hunted him down and smashed the guy’s face.
“At the time, I brushed it off because he always said he loved me and I thought he was being protective of me.” I paused to stare at my hands, folded in my lap. “It wasn’t until years later I understood everything he did was because he was controlling.”
“After we were married, everything escalated. Instead of following the dreams I had, it was my job to make sure he was happy. And he told me how to do everything… how to wash and fold his laundry, how to clean his way, how to cook his favorite foods. It wasn’t unusual for him to yell at me, pointing at a smudge on the wall only he could see. I would get a bucket with soapy water and while he stood over me, I would scrub and scrub the spot, the whole time having him scream at me because I’d missed it in the first place.
“When he came home from work, I never knew if I was going to get the nice husband or the enraged one. It was a tossup. Either way, there was a routine. It began with him demanding to know who I’d spoken to that day and who had been in our driveway because he’d seen tire marks. Of course, it’d probably been the mailman or something, but I still had to have answers for him. Or else.”
“The smallest things could set him off. Things that you or I would never notice. His entire emotional state changed on a dime and most of the time, I didn’t know why.”
As I looked around the table, the other women were quietly listening, some even nodding their heads as if they knew what I was talking about.
“There was a period of three or four months when my car didn’t work. He said we didn’t have the money to get it fixed, so I decided to wait until it could be. We lived in a fairly isolated place at the time. A local bartender stopped by one day and told me my husband had purposely disabled the car and bragged about it at the bar. I became so angry, I told this person my husband would never do that to me and I ordered him to leave and never come back. I didn’t want to believe the man I loved and trusted was capable of such a thing.
“I decided I wanted to go back to school and become a realtor. Besides helping us financially, I thought it would be a relief to be out of the house. It’d been ages since I’d had my own friends, too.
“At first he seemed supportive. But when I started making friends, he began putting down rules. For instance, I wasn’t supposed to be on the phone with them when I was home and supposed to be doing things for him. If he met any of them, he made a point of being rude.
“He had meltdowns because I was studying instead of cleaning his house. I skipped classes to clean, threatening my position in school, so I could do laundry and pick up the house. He never lifted a finger because it was my responsibility. I ended up skipping so many classes to make him happy, I failed out three times, having to start over.
“That is about the time he began raping me… sodomizing me. He’d never done that before, but it became common then.
“When I was finally ready to get licensed, a few days before my exam, my beloved cat went missing. I searched everywhere. She was an indoor cat but I thought perhaps she’d gotten out when someone opened the door. When I couldn’t find her, I asked him if he knew where she was. He only said she was gone and wouldn’t tell me where or why. I never saw her again nor did I ever find out what happened to her.”
Reliving this part of the story is what made me cry that first time in group. To my astonishment, the other women cried with me, some even rising from their chairs to put their arms around me and give me tissues. These people didn’t know me but their own experiences allowed them to feel the empathy I desperately longed for.
When we’d all settled down again, they waited with patience for me to continue.
“I passed the licensing exam despite the fact I was grieving the loss of my cat. Even though I felt beaten down, I knew I needed to do whatever it took to get that license. Little did I know, even then, how much I would need it.
“My husband had a loyal person in a wife. I stuck around a lot longer than I think many would have. And I wasn’t ready to let go even after all the things he’d done. The only thing, in my mind, that would cause me to leave was if he had an affair.” I looked at the other women again and knew from their expressions, they knew what was coming. But did they expect to hear how it went down? Even now, I couldn’t believe what Nightmare had done to me.
“He didn’t just have an affair. That would have been hard enough. She moved in with us and he insisted he loved us both. He wanted us to have a threesome and I refused. One night, I was lying in bed and he and his paramour came in. He held the back of my head, pouring wine down me that I didn’t want. It was all so he could have his tryst. Still, I couldn’t go through with it. The next morning, instead of apologizing to me, he asked me to try again!”
Gasps escaped the other ladies.
“Over the next few weeks, he brought me a pretty box of candies and I thought maybe he was trying to apologize. But then he told me I had to share them with her. When he left for work that day, he told me not to get angry when he kissed her goodbye, too. And, right in front of me, he did just that!
“Throughout all of this, I was horrified. There was this empty feeling inside of me and I prayed with all my might this dreadful situation would end. I told him this woman had to go. His answer was that if she went, so did he. He even told me to imagine what it would be like to be so alone in our big house. So, I let her stay. I didn’t know what to do.
“His anger got worse and worse. When I protested her presence, he threw things at me. Whatever was nearby. One night, I woke up with his face inches from mine, purple and enraged. He screamed at me while beating his fist against the headboard right next to my head. The message was loud and clear. Next time, that might be my face.” Since no one stopped me, I kept going.
“He and his paramour began sleeping together in the bedroom next to ours. I could hear them. When I confronted him, he said again he’d leave if she did. He even told me I could have a divorce but I was scared and stayed. I wanted my life back with my husband.
“This paramour did things, too. She emptied my closet of my things and put her stuff in there. I felt helpless and alone. All my friends had been chased away and I hadn’t any family. When I told my husband about the closet he told me they were just things and to get over it.
“A few days after this, his paramour suddenly left and he said she felt she had to because I was too jealous. I was too jealous! Can you imagine being told you’re jealous when she is the interloper and you’re the wife? It’s outrageous.
“But then, he said if I would still have him, he’d like to work on the marriage and get back on track. I nearly collapsed with relief. As always, I believed him.
“That didn’t last more than a day or two, though. She came back saying she didn’t have anywhere to stay. So, I was back to the same problem I had before. Except that time, I stood up to them and sent her away.
“My husband told me he knew she couldn’t stay, but for the next few days after that, he moped around, telling me over and over how much he missed her. It was clear to me that no matter how I felt about it, she would be back. So finally, I decided to let her have him and I left. For good. And now, here I am.”
During that first meeting, I didn’t even come close to telling them everything. Over time, I would admit it all. Mistakes I’d made, more things he’d done that broke my heart into thousands of pieces.
There were good things I could take from my experiences in this hell. For one, our union hadn’t produced any children. That would have been even more complicated and heartbreaking. Also, I escaped. For various reasons, not everyone did.
Through it all, joining this group was the best decision I ever made. I spent over two and a half years never missing a meeting. It would be a long time, years, before I found healing. When I came to this group, I began to find my way.
Author’s Note: I realize Karen’s story was a lot to take in. But now you know why she refers to her ex-husband as “Nightmare.” While Karen has been through a lot, her story is one of triumph because she removed herself from an abusive situation and sought help.
Below are some resources if you are being abused. Please take a moment and look over the wheel of violence.
Domestic Violence Hotline (US)
1-800-799-7233,1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Domestic Violence Crisis Text Line (US)
Text CONNECT to 741741
Pathways to Safety International
833-SAFE-833 | International Toll-Free
crisis@pathwaystosafety.org
As always, I thank you all for reading, liking, commenting, and lurking, too,
What a disgusting piece of lowlife shit Karen was married to! No wonder she calls him Nightmare! Thankfully, I have never been in this kind of situation, so I can only imagine what Karen and many other people go through. It’s an awful, terrible situation that nobody deserves.
You got that right! Karen lived the Nightmare. I’m glad you’ve never been in this kind of situation before. You’re so right that no one deserves it.
Poor Karen. It always amazes me how much a person can go through before they finally get out of a situation.
Thank you so much. It amazes me, too. And, that’s not even all of her story. I shudder to think what else there was. At least she isn’t there anymore and has fought to improve her life.
I think you’ve handled a difficult topic very sensitively and well. Karen is such a strong person, and it’s no wonder she’s so defensive of our Bea <3
Wow, thank you so much! ❤ Yes, now you know why she’s taken Bea’s situation more seriously than Bea has. She’s a survivor, that’s for sure.
Oh man. That was brutal. Poor Karen! I feel so sorry for what she’s gone through but I’m glad she mustered the courage to leave that bastard’s sorry @$$. She’s really a hero and I hope only good things find her from now on!
Thank you so much. Karen is such a strong person to have survived all that she did. I think now that she’s realized what kind of guy to stay away from, she’ll be much happier. 🙂
Karen was married with a a person called Pervert Narcissique in French.
That sounds very accurate! 😀
Poor her they are devilish person, she is destroyed inside.
This is so true. But she is away from him now and she is getting better. 🙂
Yes she seems happy now.
Yes. She’s in a much better place now. But it’s been a few years since she got divorced.
It’s very impressive that through all that Karen was able to get her realtor’s license. Maybe a part of her was planning for her future without him. I am so glad she got out.
Thank you, Heather. That’s such a good point. I think you’re very right about that. I’m glad she got out, too, and was able to move forward.
I’ve never experienced abuse before, and I count myself lucky for it. I know and love people who have been abused, and I can’t imagine how it must feel to actually experience it. I am so happy that Karen is one of the few to have escaped such a horrible situation! And even happier that they didn’t have children either making it even more difficult to leave Nightmare. No wonder Karen is so skeptical of Jem. She must see all the warning signs from personal experience!
Thank you. 🙂 Yes, that’s exactly it and why I think Karen can really be an influence on Bea with Jem. Karen’s been through a lot and thankful to have escaped. Now that Jem is acting so strangely, she can warn Bea.
Poor Karen, my heart breaks for her. Good thing she made it out alright. Thank you for bringing awareness to this difficult topic <3
Thank you, Raymond. ❤ It’s a hard topic but one that needs to be discussed. I think Karen can really help Bea right now.
Abuse comes in all shapes and forms. For us, (my siblings and I) it was our parents.
What is interesting though is that when my first husband lost his temper and raised his arm up as if to hit me, I stood straight up with fire in my eyes and pointed a finger at him and said, “DON’T YOU DARE!!” He backed down right away, apologizing. I never realized what power I had. I stood 5’2″ at 110 lbs to his 6’2″, 180 lbs! Somewhere in my mind, I figured I’d endured it with my parents, it wasn’t going to carry over into marriage.
I don’t know if it would work on a truly abusive natured person, but it worked for me that time.
Great post!!
Thank you, Jolie. You’re so right that abuse comes in many forms and from different types of circumstances. As for your first husband, I’m glad you were able to stand up against him and that it worked. Enough is enough!
Life can be ugly sometimes that is for sure! Abuse, harassment, bullying .. all of it vies for power over another. Sad and ugly and easy to see in others but as lie and learn I have seen that the reality is we all need to check ourselves because that can sneak in even in the very nicest of people. TY Kymber .. it is a great thing to ponder today!
Thank you, Lisa. You are right in everything you say. And it’s a good idea for us all to check ourselves, too.
What can I say… This was difficult to read and I’m so sorry Karen had to go through all that. I wish people like Nightmare wouldn’t exist. Our world would be a much better place, then. It’s so sad that the reality is much different…
Thank you, Jowita. I wish people like Nightmare didn’t exist, too. The world definitely would be much better.
Jes2G, I will bring the torches. Count me in!
😳😳
Yaaaaaaas accomplices! 😂
I see I’m going to have to build him a house in my game and put your simselves in there so you can take care of business! 😂😂😂😂
Oh please do! 😂😂
😂😂😂😂 I just thought of something. I’m a terrible builder!
All we need is wood. We’ll take care of the rest LOL.
LOL You’re so funny 😂😂
😀
Gosh, Karen. This makes me sick! But, I’m so glad she finally got the courage to get out and do what’s right for her.
One part that struck me was when she said “He even told me I could have a divorce but I was scared and stayed. I wanted my life back with my husband.” Even after all she had been through, the slivers of good times she had with him still outshined all the horror and she wanted that monster back. That is amazing how things like that work sometimes.
Karen has become so strong…and fiesty, he he he. I’m glad Bea has her for a friend.
This is NOT a beautiful story, but you wrote it so well. It makes me want to give Karen a bear hug and also find Nightmare and burn his house down…with him in it. 😀 Well done, my friend!
LOL Thank you, Jess. I’m glad you noticed that part about him offering her a divorce but she chose to stay. It’s really strange the things a person is willing to put up with because they think they love someone.
You’re right! Karen is feisty and she wants to help Bea. She sees the red flags in Jem that Bea is poo-pooing.
That’s for sure. Your statement about what people do when they think their in love reminds me so much of Mary. He cheated on her for so long. He got caught twice and subsequently got her forced out of her home and locked out of her inheritance. But she STILL tried to make him happy and wanted to work things out…until she woke up like Karen. It’s crazy.
Yes! It reminds me of Mary, too. She made her mistakes but John cheating on her repeatedly… what a dog. I was glad when they got divorced.
Me too! And, I swear it had nothing to do with Reed LOL. He didn’t even exist yet. 😛
LOL Yeah, Mary learned to be independent and her own person before Reed but after the divorce.
YES!
I wondered if she had been in an abusive situation. She certainly sees those same red flags in Jem. He’s so controlling. This makes me worry about the safety of Bea and those she cares about.
Thank you, Audrey. Yes! She is probably hyper sensitive to red flags now and doesn’t like at all what she is seeing between Bea and Jem. I think she can really help Bea.
Karen is so strong and incredible for coming out of that as strong and fantastic as she is. This was a hard read, but you always handle this topic with grace. It was very interesting to see what makes Karen tick. I’m a huge fan of her. 🙂
Thank you, Louise. I thank you for reading. It was a hard write, too. Karen is a survivor and I think her experiences can help Bea. 🙂
I edited this story, but reading it a second time was still so shocking and upsetting to me. I can’t imagine what someone feels reading this, who hasn’t had the experience of abuse of any kind. I know when I read it the first time, I wanted to throw up. And I know what people are capable of. I think that is good though. We are so desensitized by TV and movies but to know someone’s personal story still has effect on the soul let’s me know I’m at least not lost yet. I want to say something involving Karma, or wish him ill will, but there isn’t any good or bad I can say in regard to him. I’m glad Karen survived, even though it’s very obvious she is damaged in many ways. She is trying to go on best she can. I raise her up in my mind, not on a pedestal but on so many levels of respect.
Thank you, Bee. It’s lovely what you said about Karen. She did survive but what happened to her colors her life in every way. And as you said, she does the best she can. Hopefully, her friendship with Bea will help her to feel that her experiences can help someone else.
Beautifully written.
Domestic abuse can be one of the hardest topics to write on. You’ve managed to hit some of the main highlights very nicely.
Thank you so much, Mama Dragon. That means a lot to me.