Part 1: Thoughts of Bram
Dear Diary, love is fleeting. And, then, right when you need safety and security in your life, it is gone. I was not abandoned, and Bram didn’t betray me, yet I’ve never felt so alone. I spent my entire childhood until I was thirteen isolated from anyone who cared for me. Now, it was all I could do to hold myself together.
My mother was prone to bouts of depression, so I knew I mustn’t let myself fall too far into my misery. But I am afraid.
There, I finally said it. I am afraid.
I don’t have anyone to confide in. My only companion is Jarah and I’m supposed to be taking care of him, not the other way around. He has his own issues without me dumping this problem on him.
Having a child in this situation is a problem, and I won’t be able to hide it for long. What if I’m incapable of coping with this alone? I thought I was a strong person, but now I’m not sure.
As I saw it, I only had a few options… Have the child, and do my best, have the child and give it up for adoption, or have an abortion. I would have to decide soon even though my head wouldn’t stop reeling.
“Why’d you stop?” I asked, as Jarah walked on the beach in front of me.
We took a lot of long walks here as it seemed to keep us both calm. Jarah had come to a complete stop, though.
“I saw a fish jump,” he mumbled.
On these excursions, Jarah noticed things that never even hit my radar. These days, he mostly lived inside his own head, and it was getting harder to draw him out. He went through the motions of our daily routine, withdrawn, and distant.
“Lovely,” I said, although, I’d missed seeing it.
Satisfied, he propelled himself forward once again, his steps meandering, the path he created in the sand crooked as if he had nowhere to go, and didn’t care if he actually got anywhere.
To my left, our stone house sat on the hill, a winding, sandy path leading up from the beach to its side garden. At the moment, I felt like that house. I wanted to be engaged in life, have friends, and if I was having a baby, a husband.
I wanted Bram.
Every time I thought of Bram, my heart crumbled a little, just like the sea-side house was doing, little by little. The last time I saw him, I’m ashamed to say I wasn’t thinking about his well-being at all. I was scared, and knew I couldn’t stay. My only thought was to gather up Jarah and get out of there as fast as we could.
Poor Bram. Who knew what those monsters at The Inheritance were doing to him? Was he all right? I had no way of finding out. I couldn’t help but believe he’d sacrificed himself so we could go into hiding.
I missed him so much, and my mother, too. My heart longed to see Perry, and my brothers, Teagan, Zayday, and Sloan. I even wished I could see that almost-invisible butler again, whatever his name was.
“You’ve stopped again,” I said, wiping a tear off my cheek with the back of my hand.
“You’re crying again.”
It wasn’t a question, and the last thing I needed was for him to have more to worry about.
“No, no, I’m not. I’m fine.”
“Hm.” He turned toward me, still not looking me in the eye. “Let’s go back to the house.”
As we started up the winding path, I wondered if this house would ever feel like a home. What makes a house feel that way? Is it because your parents live there? Or your boyfriend, or husband?
Is it because you have a baby there?
I wondered if I’d ever know the answer to the questions that riddled my brain.
“I’m going to fish in the pond,” Jarah announced.
“Nice!” Then, I tapped his arm, and sprinted ahead of him. “Last one back has to clean the fish!”
“Cheater!” he yelled, running after me, with the smile I was hoping he’d have.
They were rare occurrences, but it was up to me to make sure they happened more often.
I’m an outdoors kind of girl, and even though I’d cheated, I got winded, allowing Jarah to dash ahead of me.
Part 2: Lost in Our Own Thoughts
True to his word, Jarah grabbed his tackle box, and pole. I watched him for a few moments, then told him I’d be working in the garden if he needed anything.
Alone with the dirt, and my vegetables, I felt safe. It was easy for me to fall into work and not think so much about my troubles.
I didn’t have any morning sickness to speak of, which made me wonder more than once if the test had been wrong. Then, the exhaustion would seep into my muscles, and all I wanted was sleep. That’s when the realization of the pregnancy would reenter my thoughts.
Sitting back on my haunches to rest a moment, I looked at the full, low-hanging clouds in the sky. A butterfly bounced along, landing momentarily on my forearm. As I stared at it, a small smile came across my face.
Ever since I was a little girl, I’d loved butterflies. They were lovely, and I felt special when they stopped to say hello. Recently, though, I’d come to a better understanding as to why they appealed to me so.
Butterflies represented rebirth, coming alive again. How many times in my life had I done exactly that? When I was rescued from the shack I lived in with my father, I learned so much I couldn’t even have imagined before then. The next renaissance in my life was when I moved in with my family, went to school, and made my first friend.
More than anything now, I wished for reincarnation. And not just for me, but for Jarah, too. We needed a renewal.
I would not fall into despair no matter what my decision would be. Jarah would have the best life possible, and hopefully, he would heal from his emotional wounds.
I’m at the bottom of this page, and I just have one more thing to say…
Part 3: We Have Each Other
Dear Diary, it’s been another long day of thinking. I still haven’t decided about the baby, but I need to soon as my clothes are getting snug.
Every time I think I can handle the situation, doubts creep into my brain like dark tendrils. It takes everything I have to shake them loose, and move on.
This is the largest business complex in the village, and I must say, it looks a bit out of place. Jarah sees his psychiatrist here, and while I’m usually waiting inside for him, he asked me not to. When I questioned him about this, he said he thought I could use some fresh air.
My guess is that he’s seen the exhaustion in my face, and he thinks I’m sick or something. As much as I don’t want him to worry, I can’t hide everything.
“How’d it go?” I asked when Jarah came out.
He was wearing his favorite yellow shirt again today. Sometimes, I ended up washing it several nights in a row so he could wear it again the next day. It didn’t bother me, though. Instead, if it made him even a little happy, I was all for it. He had so little to be happy about.
He shrugged a little, looking everywhere except my eyes. “Fine, I guess. He wants to talk to you next time.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I think so. It’s something about my meds.”
“Okay, no problem.”
Instead of walking with me to the sidewalk, he hesitated. So, I turned to wait for him to speak. Sometimes, it took a while.
“I need- I need to talk to you, Kara.”
Something about the way he said it made me frown.
“Okay, sure.”
He led me to a bench where we sat down.
“What’s the matter, Jarah?”
He wavered before saying, “If you’re sick or something’s wrong, you can tell me.”
I was hoping it wasn’t this. In my quest to decide what to do about the pregnancy, I’d settled on not burdening him with it. Yet, I’d also determined that if he asked, I would tell him. The truth is, it’s been hard keeping it from him, like playing dodgeball. I was tired from trying to keep the ball from hitting me. Keeping secrets is a lot of work.
Besides, I’d lied at different times in my life, and the results were never good. I wouldn’t lie to him now, not when I wanted his trust so desperately.
“Everything is all right,” I told him. “I’m not sick. Bram, and I… well, what I mean is, I’m pregnant.”
Staring at the ground, he nodded slightly, his eyes wider than usual. “How long have you known?”
“Only a few weeks. I didn’t want to burden you since I don’t know what I will do.”
“Do?”
I cleared my throat, and clasped my hands in my lap. “I don’t know if I should have the baby or not.”
All at once, his gaze met mine, and there was a determination in his eyes I’d never seen before.
“Well, I think you should!” he said.
“It’s not an easy decision to make.”
“I didn’t figure it was. All I mean is, Bram is the father, and he’s not here to make the decision with you. Don’t you care about that?”
“Of- of course, I do.”
His eyes softened a little. “I’m not trying to force your decision. But, I know what I hope you’ll do.”
“Have the baby.”
“Yes.”
Tears filled my eyes as he reached out to take my hand.
“Kara, I think of you as my sister. You would be if you and Bram got married. But, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m here. We’re family, and I’ll take care of you. Whatever you need, no matter what, I’m here.”
As tears streamed down my face, and dripped off my chin, I squeezed his hand, and nodded. “Well,” I said, my voice choking as I cried, “I appreciate that.”
Maybe our house could be a home, and maybe I didn’t have to feel as lonely as I do. We were a totally dysfunctional, crazy kind of family. Even so, we were a family, and I was having a baby.
Notes:
Well, I don’t really have any notes today. Instead, I would just like to thank you for reading, liking, lurking, and commenting. I appreciate it. 🙂
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It’s so sweet how Jarah supports her! It’s no wonder he wants her to have the baby, after all he’d be its uncle. They will definitely be tied more as a family when she gives birth to it.
Thank you, Jowita. I really love Jarah. I think he’ll be great with the baby, and a doting uncle.
Jarah is a good nature . Everybody was wrong about him at the moment.
Yes, I totally agree with you. 🙂
E
Kara should have known that Jarah would pick up on this. You can’t keep a secret from him. It’s about time that she starts treating him more as a brother/family, and not as her patient or mentee.
I hope they can find more to do in town. I know they are trying to lay low, but being stuck at home for so long makes anyone crazy. You can’t get away from your thoughts.
Thank you, Heather. I think you’re right about Jarah picking up on that; he’s hard to hide secrets from. I like what you said there about treating Jarah more as a brother/family then a patient.
I know what you mean about getting stir crazy. I agree they need some things to do away from home.
Aww, I’m so glad Kara decided to keep the baby! <3 And with Jarah's help at that. I will agree with Carys about everything concerning Jarah. He's so wise and insightful, and not often is he given the opportunity to show it and be heard. I hope this will change in the future though! 🙂
"Poor Bram. Who knew what those monsters at The Inheritance were doing to him?" I have to say I got goosebumps over that sentence, and I think it's mostly because I have a weird feeling Bram is actually enjoying being head of the Inheritance and having all those crazy powers. I don't know, just I feeling I got – hope I'm wrong! (but on the other hand, I don't want him to suffer either!) I wonder if he'll ever find out about the baby and what his reaction will be… :/
This was great!! <3 Can't wait for what's coming next! 😀 <3
Thank you so much. Yessssss, a nooboo is on the way and here to stay. 😀 ❤ Carys was very good about summing Jarah up, I agree. I think as time goes on, he’ll come into his own more.
Oooooh! Goosebumps, eh? That’s awesome! You just might be right about Bram. I could totally see that happening. haha We will find out one day, don’t worry. ❤❤
Jarah is incredibly wise <3 I think he has more internal strength than Kara realises – or at least he has that strength to give to others when they need it. Much like with the computer stuff, I think Jarah excels when he's needed, when he knows he is useful – when he's enough, unlike all the things his father said. I'm almost surprised Kara hasn't picked up on it.
Thank you so much. I really like here what you said about Jarah because you are spot on. I think, like anyone who is depressed or having problems with self-esteem, feeling useful is very important. I definitely think that’s something Kara should have picked up on, if she hasn’t already.
Aww bless Kara, she’s been through so much and it’s a shame she’s doubting how strong she is, hopefully she’ll remember that she’s one hell of a tough cookie and she’s not alone. Jarah is wise beyond his years and it’s heartening these two, lost in the world and in their own times of great struggles, can find comfort in each other slowly but surely. I hope Bram is okay!! xx
Thank you, Caz. I agree that Kara is a tough cookie, I think she’s just forgotten that for a moment. 🙂 I like what you said about Jarah and Kara being lost in the world but having each other. They’re more of a family than Kara realized.
I hope Bram is okay, too. xo
I’m very glad that Jarah thinks of her as family! They’re both struggling and it’s hard, but at least they have each other. They are both very strong and they’ll get through this <3
Thank you, Raymond. I was glad about that, too. I think it shows he’s come a little ways forward. I like that you said they’re both strong. I think you’re right. 🙂 ❤
“But, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m here. We’re family, and I’ll take care of you.”
I freakin love this kid! He’s so strong despite how fragile everyone thinks he is. Isn’t that how it always works though? The people we like to handle with white gloves are the ones to hold us all up in the end?
This chapter was so sad, and I just wanted to hug her. I felt all her hesitation and worry and doubt. She’s strong too. She just forgot.
Thank you, Jess. I’m glad you freakin’ love him because I do, too. lol I like what you say there about the ones we think are fragile are really strong and hold us up. ❤
I’m sorry it was sad, but I’m glad you wanted to hug her. I am glad you said that; she is strong, but she forgot. That or a phrase like it was going through my head when I wrote it.
Very difficult being young, with so many decisions. I must see how this all works out for both of them.
Thank you, Jacqui. You’re so right about that. I hope you’ll like the resolution the characters will find in this story. 🙂
I knew Jarah would notice soon. He’s a perceptive kid.
And who knows where life will take Kara and Bram? Whatever happens, this baby is a piece of him.
Thank you, Violincat. Yeah, you are so right about Jarah. I agree that Kara and Bram’s futures are wide open, and that the baby is a piece of him. ❤
OHHHH <3 <3 come on nooboo I cannot wait (I know the story needs to be told but goodness .. and I recognize that wall (on the banner LOL) Jarah is strong and he will be a fab support system for her!
Loved the butterfly analogy
Thank you, Lisa. I can’t wait for the nooboo, too, actually. lol You’re right about Jarah, I think he’s going to be there for her. ❤
Yes he is a sweetie and old beyond his years
I know that’s right! 😀
Good thing Kara told Jarah. 🙂 She needs some support in her life. She probably needs some sort of professional help like he does – she’s lost her boyfriend, she can’t see her family, she witnessed something pretty terrifying, AND she had a baby. I mean damn, I’d have broken long before she did!
Great chapter! 🙂
Thank you, Louise. LOL Those are such good points you bring up. I think she needs the same kind of help, too. Perhaps something good is just around the corner. 🙂 ❤
I feel this is the most beautiful chapter you’ve written so far. I’m touched, and my eyes sting a little bit! Blinking helps!
Anyway, the tone and voice throughout have such a tender, loving, observant, hesitant quality. It forms such a beautiful whole. Really gorgeous work.
Well, clearly I’ve missed something important. I agree with Jarah though, she should totally keep the baby. Heading off to see what i missed!
LOL Thank you so much, Jina. 🙂 I hope you enjoy your time here.
Thank you, CT. ❤ I can’t tell you how much your words have encouraged me this morning. I’m glad you picked that tone up because that’s how it was meant to be. I worked for a long time on this chapter, but never got to that point where I felt it was well written. The only thing I was sure of, was that the heart was in it. 🙂 Thank you again.
It’s so clear that the heart was in it! I felt that you truly entered into Kara’s perspective, and so you were able to write in her voice, with her type of standing-back, observing way, looking deeply inside those around her. It was very touching and very, very successful writing.
Wow, thank you again. I’m so pleased this chapter came across this way. ❤❤
Well, first of all, Bram DID abandon her, and he DID betray her. He kicked her to the curb the second things didn’t go his way. I know I’m being hard on him, but you just don’t do that to someone you claim to love. 😩
There’s so much sadness in this chapter. Both Kara and Jarah are feeling lost in their own way, and the loneliness is hitting them hard. I’m sure Bram will someday renter her life, but IMO, he has a lot to make up for.
It was nice to see Jarah come out of it a bit when Kara told him about the pregnancy. He’s right that Bram should at least know before she does something rash. It was great that he showed his concern, which will be a big help in getting Kara to make the right decision to have the baby.
Thank you, Sharon. I like the points you make there about Bram. He might be more like his father than he’d ever like to admit. Hopefully, his time with The Inheritance will improve this, not make it worse.
There is a lot of sadness in this chapter, it’s true. And, I don’t disagree with you about Bram, either.
I also totally agree with you about Jarah and how his attitude about the baby will help Kara make the decision to keep it. She probably should have told him sooner, she may not have worried for so long on her own. lol
I’m so glad she finally told him. I figured Jarah would know something was wrong. I do hope she and Bram reunite at some point. And hopefully before the baby is born. There is no way she’s going to give it away now or abort baby. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself.
Very anxious to see what happens next.
Thank you, Audrey. I like that you hope Kara and Bram will reunite some day. It would definitely be nice, and better for everyone, if it was before the baby was born. You’re right that she wouldn’t be able to live with herself and she is keeping the baby. I think she may have been leaning that way, but had so many doubts about her capabilities. Then, Jarah pushed her over the edge. lol
I can’t wait to see what’s happening next! <3 Keep it up!
Thank you, Hillary! I’m so glad you enjoyed it. ❤
I wondered how she would feel about Bram after some time apart and moments to think. When the intensity of the event faded and feelings from before re-surface. I’m not surprised she is missing him as he would be constantly on her mind during her worries about the baby.
Jarah is one smart teen; figured it out sooner than I thought he would. I’m hoping this will be a healing, helpful thing for him as well. Give him something to look forward to, feel good about and help his perspective on life itself. I believe Kara is providing a good atmosphere and home for him, even if she doesn’t believe it will ever feel like home. Home is where your heart is and at least she has two of those with her now, unlike her childhood where she was on her own basically.
Beautifully written from start to finish.
Thank you so much, Bee. Yes, I’m so glad you said that. That’s exactly what happened; the dust has settled, and now her feelings for Bram are resurfacing.
I think Jarah comes from a unique place; he’s never been a normal teenager. I’m hoping this will be a healing thing for him, too. Kara is trying her best to give him what he needs, I’m glad you saw the atmosphere she’s trying to create for him.
Thank you so much again.