Dear Diary, I’m glad I’m writing again. I put you away for so many years because I couldn’t bear to think let alone write down my feelings. Now, I don’t know what I would do without you.
Living with and getting along with my mother has been a little more than difficult. In my heart, I think she means well but the older she gets, the more critical her spirit seems to be. She doesn’t understand the depression I suffer. It slows me down in mind and body to the point where any task, even small ones, takes a Herculean effort. I don’t enjoy being the way I am and I can’t just snap out of it.
This evening, when she got home from the hospital where she’s been volunteering, she made a point of staring at me. I shrank under her disapproving gaze.
“What have you done today?” she asked.
“I took care of the kids, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen…” My voice trailed off. Why did I feel I needed to answer that question in the first place?
Her words may have seemed harsh, but her eyes were soft and full of concern. “You’re letting yourself go. Maybe you should book a spa day.”
Blinking back tears, I stared at my ratty flip-flops. The medications I was taking made me hungry and the number on the scale was steadily increasing. A lot of my clothes didn’t fit anymore, but I didn’t want to shop for new ones.
Mom’s voice softened even more as she continued. She wasn’t trying to hurt me, she just didn’t understand.
“You should get your hair done instead of letting it hang there that way. We could go together.”
Mom lived at the spa. She’d been having her hair bleached for years and knew how to take care of herself. When Kara disappeared, I went gray, too, but I colored my hair at home because I didn’t feel like going out.
“I don’t want to,” I said, my tone glum.
I knew my response would frustrate her, yet I didn’t care. In moments like these, I missed my father so much, I thought my heart might break all over again. If he were here, he would tell her to leave me alone. But he would do it in that gentle way he had about him.
Staring back at my mother, I wondered how she’d recovered from losing him? She’d grieved deeply, but her life had gone on.
What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do that?
“I know you don’t want to. I’m saying you need to. As beautiful as this house is, it’s not good to be cooped up here all the time. I’ll make appointments for us in the morning.”
“I said no!” I yelled, my pulse quickening. “I don’t want to! Why can’t you leave me alone?”
Andy, Joey, and Teagan were in the hallway chatting. When they heard my raised voice, they froze. Joey said something and Andy promptly shoved him in the arm to get him to be quiet. They wanted to hear what was going on between Mom and me.
Karen would be here soon to pick Teagan up and I didn’t want her to hear all about the yelling that was going on. It would lead to questions I didn’t want to answer. I mean, who yells at their mother for suggesting a day out at the spa and salon?
Mom was nonplussed by my reaction. “I’m sure I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought it would be nice to spend some time together.”
“Then why didn’t you say that instead of criticizing my appearance?” I said with a hiss. “You’re constantly picking at me instead of trying to understand how I feel!”
She put a hand over her heart as if I’d wounded her with a spear. “Let’s forget the whole thing. I’m sorry I said anything at all.”
“What’s going on?” Perry asked as he came in and Mom went out.
I waited until I could hear her footsteps at the top of the stairs before I answered him.
“Oh, nothing. You know, she thinks I’ve let myself go… I’m fat, my hair is limp and just hangs there. The usual.”
Perry turned toward the kids who were still eavesdropping. “Go play downstairs,” he told them.
As they scrambled to the back stairs, I let out a sigh.
“Maybe she didn’t say I was fat.”
He smiled a little. “I’ve had weight problems my entire life. Trust me, you’re not fat.”
“You wouldn’t tell me if I was.”
“If you were, you’d know it. I wouldn’t have to say anything at all,” he said.
His embrace was warm and secure. He was the beacon of light that kept me from drowning in the storm.
“I love you,” I told him.
“And I love you.”
Like every other night, I sat upstairs in Kara’s room to tell her goodnight. Some might think it morbid that she had her own room in our new house. It may even seem creepy. But every time I sat there, I felt connected to her.
If Perry had any objections, he didn’t mention it.
Every item in the room was carefully selected and placed with her in mind, down to the hot pink laptop that sat on the empty desk. She is twelve now. And, in accordance with her age, the room was on the sophisticated side to make her feel more grown up.
As if she lived in this room, I cleaned it regularly, washing the sheets and changing the beds the same way I did with my boys.
Andy and Joey knew about their older sister and that she was missing. Once they were told about Kara and their questions answered, they moved on with little interest beyond that point.
After tucking them in and telling them goodnight, they knew I visited Kara’s room. It wasn’t strange to them because I’d always done it.
“Um, what are you wearing?” I said with a giggle.
Perry grinned. “I’m seriously ripped.”
He was the only person who could make me laugh these days. And I did.
“Now why did you go and do that?” I asked, playing along. “I miss you already!”
“You miss Mr. Pudge?” he laughed.
“I miss your dad body,” I said. Looking down at myself I cringed a little inside. My stomach was no longer flat and my boobs weren’t in the same place they used to be. But I understood the point he was making.
“My dad body?”
Smiling now, I said, “Your sexy dad body. It’s soft in places but strong. And it’s you. How could I not love it when I love you?”
His posture was strong with shoulders back and chin high. Somehow, through all the childhood bullying and the nasty divorce of his parents, he’d learned confidence. He accepted himself.
“Bea, I want you to do something for me.”
The way he looked at me so openly, I knew whatever he said, he was only being honest.
“Okay.”
“I want you to stop treating yourself so poorly. Before you get upset, I’m not criticizing your appearance. I’m talking about the way you speak to yourself. You don’t think you’re good enough- “
” -I’m not! I’m a horrible mother! I put Kara to bed and never saw her again! I never should have left her alone! I’m horrible to the boys because all I think about is Kara and how I failed her. What if I fail them, too?”
Instead of berating me, he said, “What was Joey talking about this morning during breakfast?”
Without thinking, I said, “He hoped his friend Adam would be at summer camp because they both have the same Superman shirt.”
Perry smiled at me. “You’re not a horrible mother. You’re attentive to the boys and you really listen to them. I heard you on the phone, you know.”
My eyes filled with unshed tears as Perry spoke. “I didn’t know you heard.”
After breakfast, I’d called Adam’s mother to make sure she registered him for camp and would bring that shirt. We’d joked about how faded the t-shirts were after all the washings they’d been through.
Perry’s arms snaked around me and held me tight. I sighed and sank into him, my chin on his shoulder.
“I can tell you over and over again all the wonderful things I love about you,” he said, “but in the end, you have to realize these things for yourself and believe them.”
“My therapist Joanne said something similar to that.”
“Clearly, I missed my calling,” he joked.
The phone call came the next morning. I was done with the breakfast dishes, Perry was working in the home office, Teagan was already over and I was putting the pillows back in place on the bed.
“Hello?” I said into my cellphone.
“Mrs. Wright? This is Bob Benson.”
“Oh!” My heart leaped into my throat at the sound of his voice.
I hadn’t heard from Detective Benson in years but I would never forget how his voice sounded on the phone. Every time I’d gotten a call from him, I’d been filled with hope, only to be crushed once more.
“I wanted to come and talk to you and your husband in person, but I thought you’d want to know right away, so I’m calling instead.”
My hand automatically covered my heart, and I held my breath. “Did- Did you find her?”
He paused only for a moment and I heard the familiar sound of him clearing his throat. “No, but the police have reopened the case.”
All at once, I felt a flush of adrenaline tingling through me. “What’s happened?”
“As you know, I’m retired. But this case has always haunted me. Anyway, I was poking around in recent police reports from surrounding areas and something caught my eye. There was an incident—a theft in Riverview.”
Riverview? That was only a thirty-minute drive. All this time, we thought Jem and Kara had flown somewhere far away. My limbs shook, and I felt for a chair behind me, sinking into it.
“Someone broke into the pharmacy and stole some antibiotics. The place was closed but they have security cameras. The guy that broke in looked a lot like your ex-husband.”
I nearly dropped the phone. “It was him? He stole medication?”
“Yes, he took several bottles of amoxicillin, Zithromax, and Keflex. The pharmacist believes it was a blind grab for antibiotics so they aren’t sure why he took them. During a routine exam, I asked my doctor what the most common reason someone might need any of those. She said possibly an ear infection or bladder infection. There are many other uses for the medications, too. But, and this might be a leap, I think he stole those drugs for Kara.”
My chest felt impossibly tight, and I clutched at it again as thoughts raced through my head.
“I know this is distressing for you. After speaking with the Chief of Police, they reviewed the video evidence and reopened the case. They are thoroughly searching the area.”
“I- I don’t know what to say.”
“This is the best lead we’ve had in years. Hopefully, that was Jem on the security footage. There’s always a chance it might not have been.”
“But you saw the footage yourself?”
“Yes, I’ve seen it. The guy resembles Jem a great deal.”
Now, I couldn’t sit still. Rising from the chair, I paced the room. “If those antibiotics were for Kara, we have to find her right away! She could be seriously ill!”
“I’ll let you know as soon as I find anything out. The detective on the case now may come around to ask you questions, so prepare yourself.”
After we hung up, I ran to tell Perry everything. At first, it all came out in a jumble and I demanded we rush to Riverview right away.
Perry stayed calm, although I could see how huge his eyes were. After much debate, he was able to convince me to stay home and wait for the police to question us again. After all, we didn’t know one hundred percent that it was Jem on the video footage.
It killed me to think Kara was out there, possibly sick. To keep my mind busy, I turned to the kids.
They were all arguing, what else?
Teagan had spilled juice down the front of her shirt and so, was wearing one of Andy’s. She was embarrassed and the boys were teasing her.
“All right, everyone, listen up!” I said. “We’re going outdoors!”
After a long walk with them, I turned them loose in the backyard to burn off energy.
Kara, I long for you so much. Please come home.
Author’s Note: I wanted to show you Ellie going up the stairs without using them. haha
What are you doing, Ellie? lol
Thank you for reading, liking, lurking, and commenting!
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There’s a mod for that staircase that teleports sims from one floor to the next. If you look on the link of the staircase, it should be listed there.
I like Elle and all, but I can understand Bea’s frustration. My mother is somewhat like that. She means well, but sometimes she says things that are really insensitive toward me. She is very compassionate to other people though, but sometimes it’s hard when it’s been just the opposite toward me. Mother/daughter relationships can be quite strange at times.
Perry has the patience of a saint. He is really great with his wife. Where other marriages would’ve fallen apart over this, theirs remain solid. I loved that scene between them. His stupid T-shirt cracked me up. LOL! He is right though. She needs to start believing the great things about herself because they are all true. It wasn’t her fault that her daughter was taken by a madman.
I wonder how the boys are going to feel when they get older though. Like I said in another chapter, I could someday see resentment flaring because of their mother pining away for a sister they don’t know. When she does come home – I’m confident she will because if she is going to be the heir, she has to – it’s going to be a challenge for the whole family. I think her mother is going to be shocked at how altered she’s probably going to be. Bea would probably expect a joyous homecoming, but I have a feeling that’s not going to be the case. After everything Kara has been through, she wouldn’t even remember her mother.
The poor thing may not even be healthy either. If her father was stealing antibiotics, something is definitely wrong with her. I can’t wait to find out what’s going on.
That’s interesting about you and your mother. It can be difficult sometimes dealing with mother/daughter relationships.
I’m glad you love Perry. Thing is, he grew up in a bad home situation, so I think he will do everything in his power to make sure his own kids don’t know what that’s like. Well, and plus, he loves his wife. lol
Yes, I totally see how this resentment could happen with the boys. And, I love that you want Kara to be the heir. ❤
You’re right that Kara wouldn’t remember her mother. Maybe she would have some kind of impression of her, but not a true memory. She was so young when Jem took her.
Only 11 years later… I mean, why did they immediately assume Jem and Kara took a plane? He could’ve been trying to confuse them.
That’s what I thought when I was writing it; that he put false leads out there when all the time, he had this shack ready to roll. Maybe that’s why this case always haunted Det Benson. He felt there was something he wasn’t grasping about this case and he really wanted to bring Bea home.
Perry is such a great guy. I can only imagine how differently her life would have turned out had she met him first…
I really, relaly hope Jem doesn’t slip through their net again. But I can only imagine how hard life will be for Kara to readjust to normality… Especially with the fear of ‘them’.
I agree with Ellie’s reasoning but she approaches this in just the worst way!
It seems like Perry went through a lot when he was younger to grow up into such a great man! He’s had his struggles in the past, and learned from it.
I’m glad that Bea hasn’t neglected the boys, because I was afraid that might happen. But it seems she is able to be a great mom for them.
Can’t wait to see what happens with this lead!
Perry is her rock, for sure. I can hardly wait for next episode!
Thank you, Jolie. 🙂 Perry is definitely her rock. I can’t wait for the next episode, too. 😀
oh, my heart is full of hope!
Thank you so much, Jina. I’m so glad. 🙂
Ellie is training herself to be a ghost soon.
What the heck Jem does to his daughter? A true illness or just a drug dealer? Sounds very glaucous this story is.
Thank you 🙂 Let’s hope that is Jem they saw on the video and that they will get Kara back soon. As far as the meds go, I reckon we’ll find out. 😀
Jem did not change a lot as he lives as a homeless without a lot of hygiene, cut off the world, he will be found.
I think you’re right about that. He can’t hide forever, especially in that condition.
Jem is not as smarter as people thought of him.
This is true. He’s getting sloppy, and he’s been spotted. So, I think his days are numbered.
Anyways even though Jem ****** and he stayed sloppy lol
******Edited by Kymber due to spoilers. 🙂
LOL I think you’re right! 😀
ew they censored my words ahaha , yes anyways as he was mental issues he couldn’t be clean, sometimes when I am too much down I even don’t shower myself lol.
LOL Oh, I edited your comment because it told what happens in the next chapter. 😀 lol But no worries as I appreciate all your comments. Depression is difficult to deal with, so I admire those who cope with it.
Mine isn’t severe so I can live with but I have a stronger dosis of my anxiolytics. It just sometimes I am totally cut from what I do because of this.
Oh well I am sorry I really thought speaking of Jem fate was too horrible to bear for wordpress. I really thought it was not a secret we clearly see in the non words chapters.
No reason to apologize. Jem’s fate isn’t in this chapter, it is in the next, so I was afraid if someone read the comments, they would know ahead of time what is to happen. 😀 But honestly, no worries. I appreciate you so much. ❤❌⭕
I’m glad yours isn’t severe. I really feel for those who suffer anxiety and depression. ❤❌⭕
It’s hard really, sometimes we do want to do anything and our relatives do not understand you, you constantly have black thoughts about you. I really need people who are close to me to go forward that supports me that are here for me. Solitude is a fuel for depression.
I know you are not angry with me . If people reads only comments not the text they are cheaters.
Oh, no, I’m not angry with you in the least. 🙂 And I think you’re right about that. 🙂
I think what you said is really important about solitude and how it’s a fuel for depression. That is so true. I hope you have people around you every day who are supportive.
hmm no I don’t have any except mom but she cannot heal my wounds.
I’m sorry you’re wounded, and hope you can work through and heal. <3 <3
Let’s have wait for the new dosis to have an effects, they are long to be effective.
Yes, I know what you mean. I’m a nurse and many of those medications take a minimum of 6 weeks to reach a therapeutic level in your bloodstream. I hope you find some relief.
ouch I am still not taking the new pills for 6 weeks but only perhaps less than 20 days?
Hopefully, you’ll feel better soon even though you haven’t been on them for long.
I just keep the hope to get to know why or what led me to take pill and to be so down.
I feel so bad for Bea. She’s depressed right now and it’s no wonder. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if Kara died. I realize that sounds morbid, but I still remember Memphis. The difference between her losing Jilly and Bea losing Kara is that Memphis (even though she at first still waited for her to come eat with them and such) deep down knew that Jilly was really gone. Bea doesn’t know for sure what is happening to Cara and that’s why she lacks peace of mind. That is definitely very, very damaging for her.
And Ellie… She does try to help, but it feels as if she had worked too much with Rosetta. To me, she’s become a little like her – so indelicate and insensitive. My Britt tried to help Ron but she didn’t press all that much and tried to understand him. Ellie… Sadly, she just can’t understand her daughter at all.
Thank you, Jowita. 🙂 I know that may sound morbid, but what you say is true. Bea is really up in the air, wondering if Kara is dead or alive, or if she’ll ever even know either way. Memphis knew that Jilly was gone. It was heartbreaking but that was that.
I think you’re right about Ellie. Rosetta has had a huge influence on her throughout much of her life. She was pretty young still when she moved to the city and met Rosetta.
When Britt tried helping Ron, she approached him in a much better way. Whether she understood him or not, she was more delicate in her approach. Ellie wants to help Bea, the trouble is, she goes about it all wrong and her lack of understanding shines through.
Riverview, huh? My other story, The Life & Times of the Willows, generation 3 is based in Riverview. I wonder if Adelia and Cyler know where she is. 🤔 lol…Well the new evidence seems promising and I’m glad they reopened the case! Hopefully now they will be reunited with Kara.
Thank you, Stormy 🙂 Oh, yeah, Riverview! haha I think Detective Benson is going to have to speak with Adelia and Cyler. See if they saw a pale, gaunt redheaded man in shabby clothes hanging around. LOL 😀
Hopefully, as you said, they’ll be reunited soon. 😀
LOL! That description fits a lot of residence in Riverview it seems like 😂
LOL! I think you’re right! 😂😂
Oh my god, I just adore Perry!! <3 He's so sweet and caring, it makes me wanna hug him (it also helps that in this chapter he reminded me of my husband who jokingly calls himself "the fat one" lmao!! 😂)
Between Ellie and Bea, I think I can understand where both are coming from. Too bad they never learned how to properly communicate with each other, but I really hope they eventually do..!
Something tells me it was Jem caught on camera! o.O This gets really intense!! How can I wait one more week?! I'm at the edge of my seat!
This was a great chapter! <3
Thank you so much, sempreviva 🙂 It’s getting intense for sure, and there is more to come!
I love that Perry reminded you of your husband. That’s so awesome! xo
I’m glad you can see both sides to Ellie and Bea. I think you’re right that it all comes down to communication and not understanding each other. I’m with you in that I hope someday, they learn how to do that.
Killing me .. killing me .. killing me .. I would be the sitting in the room mom too SNIFF
Thank you, Lisa. 🙂 I’m so sorry it’s killing you. It kills me a little inside, too. I think Bea sitting in the room is something I would do, too.
Some do not count Parental abduction along with stranger abduction but both are deep wounds to the heart
That’s true. Especially if you’re not the sure whether the other parent will hurt the child or not. Jem is pretty unstable, which, I guess you’d have to be to carry out a plan like this.
Testing from phone.
I love Perry so much. He found his calling: Dad, husband, and all-around awesome guy.
Thank you, CT 🙂 I love Perry, too. And I love what you said about him finding his calling.
It’s so hard when others, especially our family and loved ones, don’t understand what we’re going through and depression is one of those issues that can be so hard to appreciate unless you’ve experienced it. I can feel her heartbreak and longing for her father, and the sadness for her to say goodnight in a room just for Kara. I’m glad Perry’s there. And hurrah for that haunted detective! I wonder what he’ll turn up next now they’ve reopened the case… never say never… 😉
Hahah love the last shot with the stairs!
Caz xxxx
Thank you, Caz 🙂 I so agree with you about depression and how difficult it is to understand if you’ve never had it. I’m so glad you could feel what Bea was feeling (even though what she’s feeling is sad). I’m glad Perry is there, too. You need a haunted detective in situations like these. lol 🙂 Never say never is right!
Ellie was killing me with the stairs. LOLOL 😀
I know her mother means well and so does Bea, but I get how hard it is. Thank goodness for Perry. If it weren’t for him she would probably have gone off the deep end worse than she has. I mean how do you get up everyday wondering what’s happening to your child. Kara doesn’t even remember her mother because she was so young. Maybe little glimpses, but probably not even that. The boys are adorable and I think she is a much better mother than what she gives herself credit for. She obviously loves them very much, just not herself so much. Maybe they will indeed find her now and she can have peace.
Thank you, Audrey 🙂 You’re so right about both Ellie and Bea. They’ve never had an easy relationship and right now, I think it’s even worse. Ellie is trying hard to connect but she doesn’t really understand what Kara is going through. And Bea… oh my goodness, but you’re right about that. It’s all she can do just to get through a day when she doesn’t know where her child is or if she’s okay.
It’s true that Kara probably doesn’t remember her mother at all. If she comes home, it will be so strange for everyone.
Bea does love the boys, as you mentioned, and she doesn’t give herself enough credit.
Hopefully, peace descends on them soon.
I really, really hope this means that Kara is coming home at last. Though I don’t think it will be easy for her to adjust to life away from her crazy psycho dad. You’re keeping us in suspense as usual, though. It’s a little mean. 😮 Great chapter though! ❤️
Thank you, Louise 🙂 I hope it means Kara is coming home, too. You have a good point about how hard it will be for her to assimilate into the family.
I’m sorry I’m so mean. ❤️
I want to be mad at Ellie, but I can’t. I know she’s trying and simply does not get it. I have a mother who doesn’t understand me and does/says what I feel is the most insensitive things to attempt to connect. It’s frustrating as heck.
I loved Perry stupid t-shirt LOL. He is SO good with Bea, and I like him a lot. He is right about her needing to believe the wonderful things about herself. I had to do the same thing.
Ah HA! See, I knew Jem hadn’t gone that far.
So, Kara has to come home. I mean, she IS our heiress, right? I wonder how the boys will be. As of right now, they’re young enough not to really notice how Bea pines after her. Good thing she wasn’t missing for a long time because then the boys may begin to resent her or even feel neglected some kind of way. But they are still young, and hopefully Kara comes home while they are still young because it’ll probably be easier for them to accept her…and forgive Bea when she ultimately will move heaven and earth to make sure Kara remains safe and acclimates to the family.
Thank you, Jess. 🙂 I agree that having a mother that is trying to help but doesn’t get what is going on is frustrating. Ellie is trying so hard to connect and she doesn’t know why Bea is being so difficult.
Perry’s shirt was killing me! haha So, I had to use it. They end up in the weirdest clothing sometimes. I had to do the same thing, too. Well, I’m still working on it. lol
You called it about Jem not having gone very far!
Kara is our heiress, it’s true. I think you have a good point about the boys and how they will react to Kara’s return if it happens while they’re still young like this. You’re right about how they’ll have to forgive Bea, too. haha
love love loved the bit between Perry and Bea! Can so understand why she married that man! She sees straight thru to his soul.
I’m so very worried now for Kara. Is she sick? Is he sick? Or was it a grab in case she does get sick? Jem obviously has a mind for planning considering what he did to get her away and keep her away. Thankful to the detective for not giving up on this case. She is going to be so altered if they do find her I imagine, after what we saw in the last chapter. This poor girl, you can’t but give your heart to her.
Thank you, Bee. 🙂 I think Perry and Bea are becoming a power couple. lol
I think Det. Benson must be right or close to it because after all this time, I doubt Jem would just randomly do a drug grab. It might get him caught. I think he was probably desperate. Hopefully, if Kara is sick, it’s minor.
I think you’re right about how Kara’s experience will alter who she is. But especially if she isn’t found at all.
I really feel for Kara, too.