Trigger Warning: the subject of domestic violence
Content warning: some swearing
Dear Diary, I’ve been finding sleep to be an elusive enemy. I’m exhausted but I’ve been trying not to let it show because I’m afraid they’d move me back to the corps. I love being a principal dancer because it’s what I always wanted. It’s hard to celebrate, though, with Ella being my partner. Every time I see her, she has this knowing smirk as if she’s holding something over my head.
To clear my head, I’ve begun taking long walks in the middle of the night. It’s better than lying in bed and mulling my situation over and over again.
The city was normally quiet during my strolls. I heard laughter and followed the sound with my eyes. It looked like a couple of women had gone for a run and were now returning home. One of them waved at me and without hesitation, I smiled and waved back.
I couldn’t be that hopeless, I reasoned. I can still smile. I can still wave at friendly people.
Perhaps I was feeling better.
As I continued my walk, I came across a woman sitting on a bench under a light post. My heart raced and my palms became sweaty. I could recognize the back of that head anywhere.
“Julie!” Her name escaped my lips and my steps quickened.
When she saw me, she wiped tears from her face and turned her back to me.
“Jules, I’m so glad I ran into you. I’ve missed you so much!”
She finally looked at me, her eyes moving from my casts to my face. I had a hard time reading her expression. Her eyes were red and puffy and she seemed thinner than the last time I’d seen her.
As I sat on the bench next to her, uninvited, she stood up.
“Jules, I’ve missed you so much,” I repeated.
“Well, you have a real funny way of showing it.”
“I don’t know what you mean. I’ve called and left you so many voicemails… I’ve texted, too. You completely shut me out. I miss us.”
At last, she turned toward me, her small frame towering over me where I sat.
“I don’t miss us. Before you reported me to CPS, everything was great between us. But you ruined it all, didn’t you?”
“I don’t know how many more times I have to say that I am not the one who called CPS on you. I did not do it.”
She regarded me with fiercely angry eyes. “Then who did? Rosetta? That’s something I could see her doing.”
“Why does it have to be someone from my household who called? Maybe one of your neighbors got fed up with all the noise Brent makes when he is beating you.” Since she didn’t say anything, I threw caution to the wind and kept talking. “You hurt me, too, you know. When you found out about CPS, you immediately thought I’d done it. You didn’t ask me, you accused me as if you already knew it was me. Which it wasn’t.”
She sighed loudly and flopped onto the bench beside me.
“I’m not going to apologize for that,” she said. “I thought it was you because of how much you love Paisley.”
“I do love Paisley, it’s true. But I’m a single guy with no experience with kids. It didn’t even cross my mind to call the authorities on you.”
She stared at me for a moment like she was trying to decide if she could believe me or not. Which also hurt me a great deal.
Instead of responding to what I’d said, she stared blankly into space.
“I have to be honest,” I reluctantly said. “If it had occurred to me to call them, I would have. Paisley doesn’t deserve to be in that mess.”
Her eyes narrowed and her voice went up an octave. “How dare you say that to me! I would do anything for Paisley!”
“Really? Is she at home with Brent now, by herself?”
“No, she isn’t, thanks to you!”
I swallowed hard. “D-did something happen to her? Is that why you’re crying?”
“She was removed from our home and put in foster care, you shitty asshole!”
For a long minute or two, I just sat there, staring at her. She still thought I’d done this to her. And now Paisley was with people she didn’t even know. Then, it dawned on me.
“You could have stopped all of this. Did you leave Brent and are you trying to get your baby back?”
Shaking her head as more tears dropped, she rubbed her reddened eyes. “You’re such a tool, Holden. They gave me a choice of staying with my husband and having Paisley ripped away, or to go to a women’s shelter with her. She’s my baby, do you understand?”
I groaned loudly as the weight of her words hit me like a boulder. “You chose Brent over your own daughter?”
“Does it feel good sitting there on your high horse judging me?”
Stunned, I ran a shaking hand through my hair. “I just don’t understand how you wouldn’t protect your daughter.”
“Oh really, you know so much about it, don’t you? You don’t know shit!”
Before I could stop her, she jumped to her feet and ran away from me. From us.
Sitting on the back patio at the brownstone was something that calmed me. Usually. What I needed was for my brain to take a rest so my body could follow suit. I could have raided the alcohol inside or run home to my parents’. But why worry them? No, that’s not it either. Sure, I didn’t want to worry them, but I also didn’t want to talk about what’d happened.
So, I sat there, watching a balloon in the sky. The day was crisp and cool yet I felt the opposite. Closing my eyes, I listened to the song “Heavy“ by Linkin Park.
“I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity”
I felt someone touch my shoulder, and I sat up quickly, pulling my earbuds out.
“Mom!” 
“I’m sorry I startled you,” she said, as she pulled me into a hug. “I heard through the grapevine about your wrists. Are you all right? You look really down.”
My first inclination was to shrug it all off and tell her how great everything was going. But just like any mom out there, I knew she’d see through that lame attempt.
As I hesitated, her eyes grew more and more concerned. Linkin Parks’ lyrics sailed through my head again.
“I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?” 
So, I spilled it all… Fletcher leaving, Julie’s problems with her husband and how she went back to him then accused me of calling CPS. The more I talked, the less burdened I felt. The entire time, she didn’t interrupt me although I figured she must have questions.
She was great, letting me unload everything I was feeling. Well, everything except what happened with Ella.
“Fletcher came by the other day,” she said once I finally stopped talking.
“What? When?”
“Right after the breakup. He still loves you and if it makes you feel any better, he seems to be just as upset as you are.”
“Is he coming back?” I asked. The thought that my relationship with Fletcher could still be salvaged made me feel lightheaded. If only he would just answer my one of my calls.
“Not that I know of, I’m sorry. I just thought you should know how he seemed. The last thing I want to do is give you false hope. My point in telling you this was to let you know he still cares.”
My heart sank again but not as deeply as before. Maybe there was hope, though?
“I can see this situation with Julie is completely out of your depth.”
Nodding, I sighed loudly. “I’m afraid my lack of knowledge in this area did more harm than good. And now she’s lost Paisley, too.”
Mom looked away and stared into the distance. “Hmm… well, I wasn’t there when this all went down, but I can assure you that none of it is your fault. No one can help Julie until she decides to help herself. You could rescue her from that house time and time again but she will return right back to it.”
“I don’t understand that at all! She knows she doesn’t have to live that way.”
“Does she?” Mom asked. “Did you know the average woman who finds herself in that situation leaves at least seven times before finally leaving for good? Some never leave that situation.”
“Seven times?”
“If at all,” she repeated.
“Why? Why would someone stay when they are being abused? It doesn’t make any sense.”
“I know it doesn’t make sense to you. What kind of situation did Julie grow up in? Did it predispose her to the point where she thinks that’s all she deserves?”
“She never really talks about where she’s from.”
“Whatever you do, Holden, don’t judge her for going back. People who abuse others do so in order to keep that person under their thumb. Which is where Julie is right now.”
“So what do I do then?”
She smiled softly and patted my hand. “You just keep reminding her you’re there if she needs you. Offer to see a counselor with her so she won’t have to go alone. Whatever you do, don’t treat her like she’s stupid for going back to her abuser. Don’t condescend. Be her friend.”
“She’s pushed me away.”
“Then give her a little space but not too much. She needs to figure this out with the help of professionals so that’s where I would start.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
Whenever I’d followed her advice, it had always turned out to be the right thing to do. Why I never thought of a counselor before is beyond me. Maybe I needed counseling, too, because of Ella. The first thing, though, was to tell my mom what happened to me.
“Mom, there’s something else I need to tell you,” I began.
Author’s Note: Thank you for reading. I know this can be a touchy subject and a trigger for some. Please check out the footer of my site for the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. It’s one of the first steps to claiming your life back.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of Julies out there, and Brents, too. If you or someone you know is suffering abuse, please call those 800 numbers in the footer.
Thank you for reading and for your support,
P.S. Here is the song Holden was thinking of during this chapter:
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This isn’t a good situation Julie’s found herself in. CPS wasn’t too compassionate about her plight (not surprising because some of those workers are on such a power trip), and now she’s worse off than before. I hope Holden can help her somehow, but he needs help himself before he can be any good to anyone else. Marty knows the truth of it, but it’s sad that no one who’s in their position to help can figure it out.
You’re right about Julie. And, you’re right that CPS wasn’t compassionate. She’s in a hole, but hopefully, if she gets on the right track, she can dig herself out of it.
It took a lot for Holden to tell Marty; I just wish she could do more to help. But it’s hard to know what to do.
It’s always sad to know that there are real life Julies and Brents out there, but that’s the truth of the world. Marty is right. Being nonjudgmental and supportive is the best way to be there for Julie. Hopefully her and Holden can lean on each other and begin to heal.
Thank you so much, Raymond 🙂 I agree how sad that is about how many Julies and Brents are out there. I think Holden and Julie could really help each other if they were able to speak again.
Being a mom, I would choose my kids over my husband any time! Being in a shelter with your kid is better than leaving them in a fosterhome. But who am I to judge? Every situation is specific and I guess Julie has her reasons…
I would, too, tbh. I agree she would be better off in a shelter with her child than back at home without her. Unfortunately, this is how it goes sometimes. Julie needs to realize she is worth more than what she’s getting.
I totally agree with Holden’s viewpoints, however it’s easy to say what we would do in a situation when we’ve never actually experienced it. Holden doesn’t have children, so it’s easy for Julie to dismiss him. Maybe Julie believes that if she stays with her husband they can get Paisley back together.
I’m so glad Marty was there and Holden told her everything going on. She can help him a lot, and I’m glad he has someone to confide in about the Ella incident.
Thank you so much. 🙂 You’re so right about how we don’t really know what we would do unless we are experiencing it ourselves. You just might be right that Julie thinks she and Brent can get Paisley back.
I think it’s good that Holden was able to talk to Marty, too. I think she’ll give him good advice and be there for him.
She automatically thought it was him but she never asked him if he did it. So, Holden felt a little wounded by that. I think Julie I think Julie will slowly come around and realize she accused Holden wrongly.
The real question beyond the domestic violence is : Why Julie accuse Holden to have denounced her to the social services?
Who forces her to think of that possibility?
Oh man… I know that Julie is deeply hurting right now, and I know that it’s probably too hard to leave someone abusive for good, but if I were there, I think I would have reacted exactly like Holden did. I just can’t understand it..! But I guess I was just lucky. Julie needs all the help she can get, if only she’ll allow to be helped..! I hope she’ll listen to Holden, or even Marty eventually..!
(By the way, this never appeared in my reader, so thanks for the heads up! 🙂 <3 )
Thank you so much. 🙂 I had trouble with the reader on Saturday and I’m not sure why. The survey post was originally meant to come out on Wednesday, but I published it yesterday to see if it showed up in the reader. Luckily, it did, so it all must have been a fluke.
I know Julie’s actions are hard to understand. Unfortunately, they are not far from the truth in some cases. I do think Holden reacted the way anyone would so it’s good he confided in Marty. Hopefully, her advice to him will help. 😀 <3
Marty is definitely the person Holden needs to talk to about Julie’s situation. As I remember, she handled it pretty well in the end. Julie needs to talk to her, too! Now I don’t have any personal experience with abuse, but as someone that tried to write about it and received so many hateful comments on said character being a wuss for not leaving his abuser, I’m so happy to see someone deal with it and get such nice comments on Julie’s character. It’s not her fault that she’s the way she is. I don’t hate her for feeling the way she does. However, she needs help for sure and I think with some patience, Holden can do it!
Thank you so much, Rosie. <3 I knew this subject would either sink or swim and I’m really grateful for the positive comments. I’m so sorry you had to deal with hate. I think it’s more common than people realize that the abused partner stays. I’m just a small voice in one little corner of the internet but my hope, in the end, is that someone was helped.
As for Marty, I think she’s given Holden a good direction to go in. <3
Abuse comes in so many forms too. I’m glad Marty was able to share. I remember a neighbor whose Husband/BF would get hauled off to jail for the weekend and then get dropped by a taxi on Monday with a bouquet of flowers and she’d take him back. It got old and I hated to hear the screams. I never saw any children, but it was stressful.
I know another couple that bait and manipulate each other regularly. One yells after the other one mocks. It’s caustic. This is a very wealthy couple and I just don’t get why they don’t walk away from it. They talk about leaving but neither does anything. They have two children, one with special needs and both have said they didn’t care which one kept or took the kids, they would be okay, either way. So, the kids aren’t the issue. I don’t get it. It’s a crazy way to live. Personally, I think they need to get rid of their current therapist. I think she’s just milking them for money.
Thank you, Jolie. 🙂 It sure seems like therapy isn’t working for them. You’re so right that abuse comes in many forms. One thing I learned is that physical abuse encompasses a lot. For instance, if your partner won’t let you leave the room, they haven’t touched you but won’t let you leave. That’s still considered physical abuse. For me, the emotional abuse was the worst. I really pray for people who are in a situation like this and can’t break free. I attended a domestic violence support group for over two years and it really saved my life.
Thank you! I will have to find other resources for my friend, who is going through it now. It may be a surprise to some, but money can be used to leverage people emotionally as well.
Oh yes, I can see how that would be. There is financial abuse, too.
Marty, you wise woman. Granted, she did have to go through that horrible situation with Xalen’s nephew (I’ve forgotten his name ahh), but I hope that her advice will help Holden help Julie in a better way. Julie being trapped under Brent’s influence so much that she had to part with her child makes me really sad. I don’t know how she will be able to come to terms with her own worth, and her husband’s unjustified abuse (not that any abuse is justified), with her mindset. Like Bee said, no one wants an abusive partner, so there must be other factors in play. I hope Julie will agree to see a counselor — and that it will benefit Holden as well.
A heartbreaking chapter, but amazing nonetheless! <3
PS: I’m not sure if you’ve missed it in Reader, but just in case, I posted a new chapter a week ago 😀
Lila, thank you, I forgot his name, too! Can you believe it? I must’ve blocked him out. LOLOL
You’re right about everything you said about Julie. I really hope Holden can also get some counseling just as he wants Julie to as well.
You did? How did I miss it? I shall look for it now!! :O 😀 <3
Poor Julie. I’m glad Marty dropped by and he told her about the situation. I hope he runs into Julie again so he can apologize. AND, I’m really glad he’s gonna open up about the other thing too.
Thank you, Jes2G, I’m with you in that I’m glad Holden was able to talk to Marty. I also hope he gets to apologize to Julie. We shall see.
Wow! What an excellent post as usual. I try my best to be engaged with my readers instead of just liking there post. Lately I have made this one of my goals. Anyway, this really hit home for me in terms of domestic violence. My first husband, who I married to keep his prison sentence short (smh) was very abusive: verbally, mentally, physically & emotionally. The only thing I had left to win against him was spiritually. He was also a visible whore who didn’t mind putting in your face. I must admit I was in love with him, but it is so true that when a woman is fed up there isn’t anything anyone can do about it. Once I start standing my ground with him it gave me the strength to turn and walk away & never look back. I married him in November of 1995, left him in 1999 & he eventually paid for a divorce in 2006. Kymber, this story whether fiction or non could really help women speak out. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much, Ms. Flo. I really appreciate so much that you shared your story. I’m so glad you were able to get out of that situation. I think the subject of domestic violence can be relatable because even if someone hasn’t gone through this, they probably know someone who is. It touches so many lives. I’m so glad for your comment because this is something that can happen to anyone, no matter who you are. Thank you again. You never know who might be inspired by your story of survival. <3
Thanks! Kymber
You’re so welcome! <3
“Don’t condescend, be a friend” pretty much sums up the whole thing. The best thing that Holden can do for Julie is give her some space, but be there for her when she finally accepts it. As for himself, I am glad that Holden feels like he can benefit from therapy as well.
I also have to say thank you again for these chapters. Rape and abuse are very sensitive topics, even if you have not experienced one of both of them first hand. You always approach them with the respect they deserve, and thank you for putting the hotline number at the bottom of each chapter.
Thank you so much <3 And you’re welcome. I’ve wanted to write about these topics for a while now but was not able to really fit it in. I’m trying really hard to do this storyline justice. I really appreciate your feedback.
I think Holden is really open to counseling. It’s Julie we need to get there. Hopefully, she will realize what she needs to do.
Yes, but like so many other women, she has to be the one to realize it on her own. But if CPS taking away her daughter wasn’t a wake-up call enough, I don’t know what will be.
PS- I went through a very crappy time in my life, and thought about ending it all. What saved me was listening to a Linkin Park song (a different song, but the message was still the same). So, thank you for sharing that as well.
You are so right about that. I think Paisley should have been a wakeup call for her, too.
Aww that’s incredible. I’m so glad you heard that song when you needed it most. <3
I just cannot wait to see who did it
LOL Thank you, Lisa! 🙂 I can’t wait for you to find out. 😀
Marty…,such good advice! She was there when he needed her. I am so glad he told her everything. Mother of the year! Love her. ❤️ I hope he seeks out Julie and together they can help each other and they can get her daughter back.
Thank you, Audrey. <3 She was in mom mode. lol I’m so glad you love her. I hope that happens with Julie and Holden, too. I think they would both feel better if they fought for Paisley together.
I’m so glad he confided in his mom! Such a smart and brave thing to do ! He’s such a good person !
Thank you so much, CT <3 I’m really glad he talked to Marty, too. I think he will get back on track very soon.
Hi, Anonymous Fan here again. I didn’t think I was gonna comment here again because I’m really more of a lurker, but the recent chapters have been dredging up some past experiences and I just kinda want to say some things.
My mother was in a similar situation to Julie; not quite the same, but someone tried to control her and every aspect of her life, and there was a terrible mental and physical toll on her. I know it was really hard for her, and due to her childhood and stuff she used to have this mindset where she couldn’t really make her own decisions and she was punished if she didn’t follow every strict expectation, so the same thing happened to her when she was older.
I know it was bad for her. But it was bad for me too. Due to some things that happened there, I have a lifelong medical condition that’s really hard to control and affects every aspect of my life and some days it hurts a lot and don’t feel like myself. I know it wasn’t really her fault. And everything’s fine between us now and I love her so much. But to be honest…I’m still a little angry with her and blame her for not getting us out sooner. I get that that it can be hard to get out of that kind of situation, but when your child is suffering, how can you stay? A parent’s job is to protect their children, and back then, she failed. She feels really guilty and I don’t want to make her feel worse; and she’s a good mother and is trying to make it up to me…so I haven’t actually told her this yet.
I’m sorry for telling so much personal stuff. But I don’t feel like I can tell this to someone I know, and I just needed to say it. Even if it’s to a bunch of strangers who don’t even know my name.
Anyway, I hope Julie can get out of that terrible situation, that Brent gets the punishment he deserves, and that Paisley won’t have too much trauma from this. It feels terrible when your parent chooses someone who hurts them over their own child.
Hello, anonymousfan1. <3 Thank you for this comment. I know it can’t have been easy for you to type this. I knew when I began writing this situation, it might bring up things for those who have experienced it. For your situation, I am sorry. If no one has ever said this to you, I will say it now, “I’m sorry you and your mother went through what you did. And it wasn’t your fault.”
Although I am a Registered Nurse, I am not a counselor. So, I won’t offer any advice. But what I want you to know is how strong you are. And brave. You might not feel that way, but trust me, you are.
I myself am a product of a wonderful childhood, born into a great family. But that does not mean in this life that we can’t make mistakes. I married a man who was not what he seemed to be and I paid a price for that. And I’m always worried about the price my children paid, too. I got out of it but I’m only trying to say, and this is no excuse for anyone or what they’ve done, but even people who had great starts can still can have mishaps along the way. It is up to each of us to do our very best to make the right choices that benefit us and our loved ones each and every day of our lives. As far as the right choices go, that depends on each person in their particular situation.
If you need a counselor or find yourself in a situation where you need to speak to someone quickly, I would recommend the National Domestic Hotline (http://www.thehotline.org/).
Thank you again for sharing your story. You never know who may take inspiration from you.
Thank you, Kymber. Your words mean a lot to me. <3 🙂
You’re so welcome. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It means a lot to me, too. <3
Poor, poor Julie. The situation is so bleak. Thank you for the way you’re handling the topic and making it clear that it’s not the abused party’s fault. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship myself, thankfully, but I’ve read a lot about the dynamics and the idea that it’s all about ‘just’ leaving the abuser is so, so important. It’s a very misunderstood situation and I hate media that depicts it poorly.
I’m glad Marty was there to set the record straight – it was so good to see her again! <3
This was wonderful as always, friend 🙂 I’m so excited for more! I’m rooting for Ella to step on a Lego brick in a future chapter, the little sleaze bag.
Ugh, foot in my mouth today – I mean that the idea that you can ‘just’ leave the abuser is so WRONG. It doesn’t work like that, but I derped.
If you saw how many times I derp a day. LOL I knew what you meant. 😀
Good, I just got afraid, because I basically wrote the opposite of what I meant 😛
LOL Don’t worry. <3 All is well.
Thank you Louise! 🙂 I am rolling from that last line of your comment! She deserves at least two legos. haha
The situation with Julie does seem bleak, it’s true. It’s not going to help Julie to judge her. She is making some poor decisions but she’s been brainwashed in a way by her abuser.
This seemed like a good time for Marty to enter the picture since she had that experience in the past with Xalen’s nephew.
I’m so glad you liked the chapter. <3
All the Lego bricks for Ella! 😀
Yeah, I think you tied this situation together very nicely with the last gen and what Marty went through. She’s really strong and awesome for being this insightful about it all 🙂
Thank you. <3 I miss writing Marty. 🙂
I don’t think anyone can judge anyone else’s mindset especially when there is abuse involved. Part of what someone goes through is mourning who they were amid all the other psychological stresses and feelings. No one grows up thinking I can’t wait to find an abusive spouse/friend to live with! So I loved the way you wrote this, pointing out important things people may not think of. Like being there and reminding them of that, and going to counseling with them. Gives people reading something to think about.
I loved seeing Marty again and I felt she was most appropriate to have given this advice to him.
Thank you, Bee. 🙂 You are so on point with what you said about not being able to judge the person who is going through the abuse. They are mourning a lot; the end of the life they thought they would have and, as you mentioned, the loss of themselves. I’m glad you liked the chapter.
I really thought Marty could help out in this situation. <3 I was missing her, too.
Oh dear, why did this CPS didn’t help Julie, too? Didn’t see why she chose Brent? Marty knows it and they don’t? Poor woman, she must be so damaged because of this situation she’s found herself in. I hope Holden can help her somehow. He is no better himself at the moment as he still suffers after what Ella’s done to him. I feel bad for both of them and I hope that life soon gets better.
Thank you, Jowita. 🙂 CPS in my area would do exactly what happened in the story. If there is neglect or abuse, they may give you the choice of taking your child and leaving the abuser or they will have to remove the child. Julie is so broken and afraid. I wish she would have chosen her daughter, but she is right under Brent’s thumb where he wants her.
I think Holden helping her will help himself, too. I’m glad Marty encouraged him to find a counselor for Julie. And I’m glad he decided to tell Marty what happened to him.
My characters often hit rock bottom, but the skies don’t stay gray forever. 🙂
So the exact opposite of mine where skies stay gray for forever and a half, lol.
Oh dear, I sure hope CPS could do more to help. Julie really needs all the help she can get.
This is true, she sure does. CPS is there to advocate for the child but they also make recommendations for the family, such as parenting classes or counseling.